John Cleese's letter to America - WickedFire - Affiliate Marketing Forum

seocracy · 09-19-2007, 06:37 PM

I dont know if any of you guys read this already, but here goes:

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, (Gordon Brown), will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in beef dripping, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless concoction you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only authentic traditional (look it up) British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; which you mysteriously call "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

droplister · 09-19-2007, 06:56 PM

Nice, 11-15 are ok.

Apparently that's in response to this Declaration of Annexing the British Isles - Nov. 2000

Shawn Collins · 09-19-2007, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seocracy

I dont know if any of you guys read this already, but here goes:

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA...

Actually, no. John Cleese had nothing to do with it.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: John Cleese Letter to USA

LazyHippy · 09-19-2007, 09:18 PM

It's funny as fuck.. but no, it wasn't the legend that is John Cleese.

Droplister, I'm pretty sure it's the other way round. But still it's all funny.

We don't want America back anyway, we've got enough idiots of our own without having to deal with a few million more!

What is with the -ize thing though?? It would make more sense if -isms also changed, but no... just bizarre!

(Check out this facebook group - read the comments.. lol!)

LazyHippy · 09-19-2007, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seocracy

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public..

PMSL!

Although I've read this a few times, it's still fuckin brilliant!

pfgannon · 09-19-2007, 09:22 PM

I think you mean -izms..... brits....

All pretty funny, and for the most part true.
#10 I don't get though, the waiters and waitresses I delt with while I was across the pond were far from agressive, and some of the worst service I've ever gotten, cultural differences I suppose.

LazyHippy · 09-19-2007, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pfgannon

I think you mean -izms..... brits....

I thought it was only the -ise where you use a zed

, not the -isms... Or do you say terrorizm, etc? .... yanks...

seocracy · 09-19-2007, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawn Collins

Actually, no. John Cleese had nothing to do with it.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: John Cleese Letter to USA

shawn collins, I hate being corrected by you. Dont ever do that again.
if this were an episode of family guy, id be kicking the living shit out of your avatar right now

pfgannon · 09-19-2007, 10:36 PM

I was just joking

Quote:

Originally Posted by LazyHippy

I thought it was only the -ise where you use a zed

, not the -isms... Or do you say terrorizm, etc? .... yanks...

09-19-2007, 06:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
seocracy Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 930 iTrader: 4 / 100%	John Cleese's letter to America I dont know if any of you guys read this already, but here goes: JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, (Gordon Brown), will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in beef dripping, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. The cold tasteless concoction you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only authentic traditional (look it up) British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; which you mysteriously call "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. __________________ STAT - Search Tracking & Analytics Tools Seocracy.com

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09-19-2007, 06:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
droplister Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 728 iTrader: 4 / 100%	Nice, 11-15 are ok. Apparently that's in response to this Declaration of Annexing the British Isles - Nov. 2000