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10-31-2006, 05:16 AM
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#526 (permalink) |
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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read ’Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins’, then she moved under one that read ’Sloans Liniments remove Swelling’. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read ’William Stick Did The Trick’. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read ’Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident’." He won the case. |
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10-31-2006, 05:17 AM
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#529 (permalink) |
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A man is stands in a waiting room of a hospital awaiting the birth of his child. Unable to see his wife in labor due to fear and nervousness, he and his wife decides it would be better for him to stay in the waiting area while she is giving birth.
Hours pass and the doctor finally comes out of the delivery room. By this time, the new father is sweating bricks; how’s my wife, is she OK, how’s the baby, is it a boy or a girl? Please sir, the doctor says; have a seat, there are some things I need to speak to you about concerning the birth. Whats wrong, the father asks", what went wrong? Well, the doctor says, there are some complications that you need to understand before I allow you to see your child. What is it, the man sighs. Sir, please brace your self for what I’m about to tell you. (the fathers mouth becomes dry and his lips began to tighten) Sir, the doctor says, I’m very, very sorry to tell you that you child has been born with NO ARMS! God NO, the father cries; No, No, No. Sir that is not all, the doctors says, your child has also been born with NO LEGS. Tears streaming down the fathers face, the father is unable to speak from recieving such terrible news. Sir, the doctors says with a deep sorrow, your son has also been born with NO TORSO. The father is dumfounded, sadness and sorrow is instantly replaced with disbelief and shock. Sir, the doctor says, the child that has been born from your wife’s womb is a GIANT EAR! Sorrow and silent disqust covers the fathers facial gestures as he screams, OH GOD! Sir, the doctor says, and the EAR IS DEAF. To the readers - This is not my own created joke but, one I read in a joke book and I love this joke so much that I rewrote it but the punchline pretty much is the same. Hope you enjoyed it. |
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10-31-2006, 05:17 AM
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#530 (permalink) |
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A little kid on a plane asked his mom "If big elelephants have baby elephants and big giraffes have a baby giraffes, then to big air planes have baby air planes?"
His mom told him to ask the flight attendant. The flight attendant responded.. "No sweetie, we’re American Airlines and we always pull out in time." |
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10-31-2006, 05:17 AM
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#531 (permalink) |
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Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!" |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#532 (permalink) |
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There were women waiting in a doctor's office.
They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl." One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top." The last lady started to cry. The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?" She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!! |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#533 (permalink) |
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There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks." "Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!" "No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog! |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#534 (permalink) |
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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#535 (permalink) |
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Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?" She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest. Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M". He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?" "No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin" |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#536 (permalink) |
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Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds?" |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#537 (permalink) |
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An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?" He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!" She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband. He says, "Well what was that for?" She says, "That's for knowing the difference! |
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10-31-2006, 05:18 AM
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#538 (permalink) |
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One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
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10-31-2006, 05:19 AM
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#539 (permalink) |
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Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.
He says, "Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!" His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside, "You'd better pet him first....he looks vicious" |
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10-31-2006, 05:19 AM
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#540 (permalink) |
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove". "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good". "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again". "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing". "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love". "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." |
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#542 (permalink) |
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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#543 (permalink) |
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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fucking Goofy! |
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#544 (permalink) |
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah... My wife!" |
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#545 (permalink) |
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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris, he went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No, come on in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together." Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#546 (permalink) |
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#547 (permalink) |
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There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing.
"Italian guy, you can't have any pizza. Bum, you can never shag money again. Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man." So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF! |
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#548 (permalink) |
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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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10-31-2006, 05:20 AM
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#549 (permalink) |
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This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
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10-31-2006, 05:21 AM
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#550 (permalink) |
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There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!" The Moral Of This Story Is ...A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!" A hunter thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!" A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!" A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!" Suddenly it all happened, The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!! Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet |
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