i'll volunteer to be the candidate. i vow that as your leader, i'll take a hard pro-smoking-weed stance, and abolish the healthcare system entirely. i will stop all unnecessary police activity, including "protecting" and "serving", and i promise to ensure safe, easy access to firearms for every man, woman and child in our great country. no longer will the mentally unsound be oppressed into institutions of psychological repair! no longer will the fda inspect your food before you eat it! no longer will clowns be limited to circus rings! america, elect me as your next president, and we will go to war, not with terrorists, but with terror itself!