Tales from Tech Support Land

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alexb

alexb

Señor Member
Dec 6, 2007
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Indiana
This just happened in my office:

Phone: *ring*
Tech 1: Hello?
Angry customer: I need to speak to your manager.
Tech 1: One moment. *Puts phone down* Hey guys, who wants to be a manager? *spoken in a singsong voice*
Tech 2: What comapny?
Tech 1: *Company name*
Tech 2: No way, those guys are all dicks.
All techs: *discussion ensues about who should pretend to be a manager*
Tech 3: Hey AlexB, why don't you do it?
AlexB: Fuck no, I'm busy.
Phone: *barely-audible noise*
Tech 1: Oh shit. *hangs up phone*
All techs: ?
Tech 1: It was on speaker phone.
All techs: ROFL

In his defense, the 'mute phone' and 'speaker phone' buttons are right next to each other.
 


alexb said:
This comes up every couple of weeks.

First name = Alex
Middle name = Geoff
Last name = starts with 'B'
Click to expand...

No need to explain to that troll, looks like he finally got a well deserved ban

BTW, good job on the podcasts
 
Today's tale:

Phone: *ring*
Tech: Hello?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to upgrade to your 400 GB hosting plan.
Tech: One moment.

Tech proceeds to see if any of *company*'s servers have enough free space to add this guy's account. Come to find out, *company*'s servers each have a single 200 GB hard drive. Note that these are shared hosting servers with dozens, if not hundreds, of customers per server.

Moral of the story: If you're on shared hosting, your host is probably overselling his resources.
 
Alright, got some hilarious stuff here:

<embed src="http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mediaplayer.swf" flashvars="file=http://media.ebaumsworld.com/2006/10/dell-support-call.mp3&displayheight=321&image=http://media.ebaumsworld.com/2006/10/dell-support-call.jpg" loop="false" menu="false" quality="high" bgcolor="#ffffff" width="425" height="345" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" />

And...

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zF56rjJJzJY&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zF56rjJJzJY&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
 
-Matt- said:
Alright, got some hilarious stuff here:

<embed src="http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mediaplayer.swf" flashvars="file=http://media.ebaumsworld.com/2006/10/dell-support-call.mp3&displayheight=321&image=http://media.ebaumsworld.com/2006/10/dell-support-call.jpg" loop="false" menu="false" quality="high" bgcolor="#ffffff" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" height="345" width="425">

And...

<object height="355" width="425">

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zF56rjJJzJY&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></object>
Click to expand...

Reminds me off gold old days when i worked for Dell computers as a tech support staff.
 
Today's tale isn't so much a story as it is a tip.

If your host uses CPanel, there's a nice little link at the bottom of the sidebar that says 'service status'. Click on that and you'll see a list of values, one of which is 'server load'. Small numbers are good. The server I'm on never seems to go above .25. As long as the number is lower than 1*the number of cores, you're fine.

Why do I bring this up? Well, there's a certain hosting company I do support for (they like fruit and they're pretty cheap, that's all I'll say), and their dual-core servers always seem to have a load of about 20. At peak times it gets up around 60.

Check your server's load. If it's consistently high, find a new web host.
 
I am more of a technician than anything, but for some reason I get countless idiots calling just because they can talk to someone for free. What I hate, and I mean absolutely fucking despise, is the idiots that A) Tell me their first and last name (I don't give a fuck, why did you call me) B)Tell me all the useless details that do not mean shit for their issue. C) Refer to their operating system in plural fashion. Example:

Me: Hello, thank you for calling <company>; how can I help you?
Customer: Tom Smith here, who am I speaking with?
Me: Brad (A lie just in case I piss the guy off)
Customer: Brad, I bought a computer from <company><company>. And it isn't working. Honey (begins talking to his wife), when did we get that computer?
Wife: I don't know, like 2 months ago.
Customer: No, it was like 3. Well anyway, its an E computer (Trying to explain a PC made by Emachine), and I got a printer which is a ipson.
Me: Epson?
Customer: Ya, ipson.
Me: Do you have Windows XP on your machine sir? (We do not support anything other than XP/Vista)
Customer: No, I have the vista's. Let me get the model number. Honey whats the model number of the E computer?
Wife: I dont know.
Customer: Hold on let me find out.
Me: No, I dont give a fuck about your model or your name, I just wanted to make sure the printer was compatible with your pile of shit computer before I asked you to bring it in.
Customer: <sound which="" appears="" as="" if="" he="" dropped="" the="" phone=""> - Im looking for the model. <long pause=""> oh here it is. KYGHH dash Y5DF3 dash....
Me: No. Fuck. I don't care about the model of your 300 dollar computer, especially when you can distinguish it between your Windows product key. Bring your shit in so I can charge you.

I then hear a rant about how he spent X hours on the phone with Microsoft, Emachines, and everyone else but Epson. He complains he just bought printer, and it should just work like he see in Mac commericals. By this time I have already hung myself.......</long></sound></company></company></company>
 
.. after half an hour of patient explaining, with my colleagues rolling on the floor laughing about the guy...

"What do you mean I need an FTP program?!? I can program HTML, I have made a website, I have read 3 books on the topic, and none ever said anything about FTP or webspace!! You have no clue what you are talking about!"

"Sorry, Sir. I can not help you, then."

Weird thing was, we were a web shop, but developed websites and a CMS for business customers. No webspace, no hosting, no domain registering or anything the like though us.
Still, we would get these calls about once a month.

::emp::
 
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