Alright, need some real life advice.
- Thread starter Phre0nBurn
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I have a brother-in-law that lives with his grandmom that used to act the same way.....I sat by quiet for 5 years and heard about it, then he turned 18. I called up a old friend from the same town and had him go by to check on grandma and do a couple houshold chores that my b-in-law wouldnt do and while he was there had him give a message to my b-in-law that he needed to straighten up or my friend would beat his ass.......which didnt take long before the friend made a return visit. After 3 visits from my friend my b-in-law doesnt act up around the house anymore.....still gets in trouble, just leaves grandmom out of it now.
Point of my story is if you have a friend from the same or nearby town they might help out in this way......most dont like to see mom's grandmom's get treated this way and are more than happy to help out a old friend. Besides now my wife's grandma gets those chores done every now and then and she has someone to bake cookies for lol.
Point of my story is if you have a friend from the same or nearby town they might help out in this way......most dont like to see mom's grandmom's get treated this way and are more than happy to help out a old friend. Besides now my wife's grandma gets those chores done every now and then and she has someone to bake cookies for lol.
Man, this got a lot more input than I thought it would!
To answer everything at once...
The point that my options are very limited because of my mom's passiveness is dead on.
She hates what they do, but she doesn't have the balls to make a change.
She does bring it on herself, 100%. For years I was the one there to dicipline them. 3 years ago they would listen, they would check in, they would clean their messes.
But they soon figured out that they could get me out of the way if they turned my mom against me. They started telling my mom actual lies... The shitty thing is she listened. But, thats a whole nother story. They would tell her that Im doing illegal shit, they would tell her that Im dating underage girls that have sex with 50 year old men for money (I wish I was kidding), I mean, they did it all. The second I actually had to defend myself to my own mom was when I realized, it would never be the same.
So, they got me out of the picture, and now they do as they please. Basically, in every aspect you could imagine, they have no parents or authority. They dont ask, they dont do chorse, nothing. They come home when they want, bring who they want, do what they want, leave when they want and take what they want. All without consequences.
And yes, this shit does keep you up at night. People can be so god damn frustrating.
As for trying to step in and be the authority figure, it's too late for that.
The last time I was home, my brother (the 18 yo, at the time he was just about to turn 17) got mad because I yelled at him for taking my brand new hat and drawing a fucking pot leaf on it with a sharpie. So, he decided he would take a big wooden chair and throw it through my bedroom door. My girlfriend was standing right inside the door when it happened, and I snapped. Because I couldnt beat the shit out of the fucker without facing jail, I grabbed the 'Fox' (google it) pepper spray I always had in my pocket, and unloaded it on him. Then the younger brother came in and sprayed me (dont ask why there was so much pepper spray, haha, I bought some cheaper stuff and gave it to all the fam, its a shitty town and a lot of tweekers do bad shit around there)... It quickly turned into me vs. both of them. The pepper spray in my face wasn't very high quality, so all it did was pump me up more. It got VERY violent, and if it wasn't for my girlfriend/mom/grandma it would have been worse. Luckily for me they ran once I grabbed a bat.
It isnt the most responsible reaction, but people are people regardless of what some law-maker says, and shit just happens.
They are beyond help really. I love the police idea, but I just fear putting my mom or grandma in the eyes of law enforcement... The reason is...
If you saw my family from the outside, didn't know them or anything, you would think they were the typical rundown small town white trash family where everyone does drugs, and mom allows it. They are almost there, but not quite. So, its hard for me to put them in a situation where they would be accused of supporting it.
As for the friend thing, I have a buddy that's 6' and a good 330lbs, they leave for the night when they hear were coming into town.
God, I dont know. I dont see a good solution to this either. I guess I just kinda needed some backup on the fact that it's pretty much how it is, and nothing will change until I can get them out of there.
God my family is fucked up. lol
On a side note, I got in trouble too when I was young, and it taught me a lot. I really straighened up my act. I did 2 months.
We have never had a father figure, and now that im grown, I realize just how much of an effect that has.
And as for getting my brother to take classes or enroll in college, he dropped out of school at 14, and has basically no skills to offer. The younger brother pretends he does, he is one of those kids that acts like he is the coolest shit on earth, and he knows everything. But he doesn't. He just does it to try to impress people. I hate people like that.
To answer everything at once...
The point that my options are very limited because of my mom's passiveness is dead on.
She hates what they do, but she doesn't have the balls to make a change.
She does bring it on herself, 100%. For years I was the one there to dicipline them. 3 years ago they would listen, they would check in, they would clean their messes.
But they soon figured out that they could get me out of the way if they turned my mom against me. They started telling my mom actual lies... The shitty thing is she listened. But, thats a whole nother story. They would tell her that Im doing illegal shit, they would tell her that Im dating underage girls that have sex with 50 year old men for money (I wish I was kidding), I mean, they did it all. The second I actually had to defend myself to my own mom was when I realized, it would never be the same.
So, they got me out of the picture, and now they do as they please. Basically, in every aspect you could imagine, they have no parents or authority. They dont ask, they dont do chorse, nothing. They come home when they want, bring who they want, do what they want, leave when they want and take what they want. All without consequences.
And yes, this shit does keep you up at night. People can be so god damn frustrating.
As for trying to step in and be the authority figure, it's too late for that.
The last time I was home, my brother (the 18 yo, at the time he was just about to turn 17) got mad because I yelled at him for taking my brand new hat and drawing a fucking pot leaf on it with a sharpie. So, he decided he would take a big wooden chair and throw it through my bedroom door. My girlfriend was standing right inside the door when it happened, and I snapped. Because I couldnt beat the shit out of the fucker without facing jail, I grabbed the 'Fox' (google it) pepper spray I always had in my pocket, and unloaded it on him. Then the younger brother came in and sprayed me (dont ask why there was so much pepper spray, haha, I bought some cheaper stuff and gave it to all the fam, its a shitty town and a lot of tweekers do bad shit around there)... It quickly turned into me vs. both of them. The pepper spray in my face wasn't very high quality, so all it did was pump me up more. It got VERY violent, and if it wasn't for my girlfriend/mom/grandma it would have been worse. Luckily for me they ran once I grabbed a bat.
It isnt the most responsible reaction, but people are people regardless of what some law-maker says, and shit just happens.
They are beyond help really. I love the police idea, but I just fear putting my mom or grandma in the eyes of law enforcement... The reason is...
If you saw my family from the outside, didn't know them or anything, you would think they were the typical rundown small town white trash family where everyone does drugs, and mom allows it. They are almost there, but not quite. So, its hard for me to put them in a situation where they would be accused of supporting it.
As for the friend thing, I have a buddy that's 6' and a good 330lbs, they leave for the night when they hear were coming into town.
God, I dont know. I dont see a good solution to this either. I guess I just kinda needed some backup on the fact that it's pretty much how it is, and nothing will change until I can get them out of there.
God my family is fucked up. lol
On a side note, I got in trouble too when I was young, and it taught me a lot. I really straighened up my act. I did 2 months.
We have never had a father figure, and now that im grown, I realize just how much of an effect that has.
And as for getting my brother to take classes or enroll in college, he dropped out of school at 14, and has basically no skills to offer. The younger brother pretends he does, he is one of those kids that acts like he is the coolest shit on earth, and he knows everything. But he doesn't. He just does it to try to impress people. I hate people like that.
Frankly, you sound as if you are emotionally-invested
in this situation (your posts imply this).
That's neither good or bad. However, it lets me know
that my time is wasted in this thread. In my experience,
giving logical advice to an emotional person is often
futile. Often enough that I've learned to avoid doing so.
I wish you the best in this situation. I hope you find
a way to resolve it that is consistent with your goals.
in this situation (your posts imply this).
That's neither good or bad. However, it lets me know
that my time is wasted in this thread. In my experience,
giving logical advice to an emotional person is often
futile. Often enough that I've learned to avoid doing so.
I wish you the best in this situation. I hope you find
a way to resolve it that is consistent with your goals.
Honestly, in all seriousness, you need to remove yourself from that situation, express to your mother that you'll support her + grandma when she's ready for it, and focus on YOUR life.
You can't save the world, hell, most of the time you can't even save yourself. Don't give up on them, but never forget that. I learned that the hard way, and it sounds like you're doing the same.
I wish you luck and strength. You'll need it.
You can't save the world, hell, most of the time you can't even save yourself. Don't give up on them, but never forget that. I learned that the hard way, and it sounds like you're doing the same.
I wish you luck and strength. You'll need it.
Only thing that works is kicking the shit out of them!
Jail time?
They would have to prove it it was you....
They treat your mother like shit?
You have to regard them and tell them that unless they treat your mom with respect they are your enemy and you'll fight them as if they where a complete stranger.
Brother or no brother of mine, i couldn't take the crap you're putting up with man and i would cast them away as a brother.
Poof, gone...out of my life.
You're saying you're able to kick their ass then do it!
Intimidate the shit out of them, if they see you coming they need to feel the shakes in their knees and barely be able to look you in the eye.
Reasoning as you say has no effect...having them locked up i jail will potentially destroy their lives as they may be raped, get on drugs or stabbed to death with the shitty prison system in the states.
Knock them out, and when they get lippy again knock them out again.
I have an older brother, and he had his moments as well, mistreating my mom. I used shear intimidation on him and he knows the consequences if he does it again.
And it stopped...
Jail time?
They would have to prove it it was you....
They treat your mother like shit?
You have to regard them and tell them that unless they treat your mom with respect they are your enemy and you'll fight them as if they where a complete stranger.
Brother or no brother of mine, i couldn't take the crap you're putting up with man and i would cast them away as a brother.
Poof, gone...out of my life.
You're saying you're able to kick their ass then do it!
Intimidate the shit out of them, if they see you coming they need to feel the shakes in their knees and barely be able to look you in the eye.
Reasoning as you say has no effect...having them locked up i jail will potentially destroy their lives as they may be raped, get on drugs or stabbed to death with the shitty prison system in the states.
Knock them out, and when they get lippy again knock them out again.
I have an older brother, and he had his moments as well, mistreating my mom. I used shear intimidation on him and he knows the consequences if he does it again.
And it stopped...
Phreburn I wouldnt assume cops will always assume that it is just a bad family or the moms fault. They have moms and have seen all of this many times at other houses.
If you know a cop that would be great. But if you go to the police station and explain the situation they will be on your side before they get there. They have to respect the homeowner before an 18 YO or 15 YO. You could talk to your mom and grandmother before to see if they think it is an ok idea. Might as well get something for your tax dollars.
If you know a cop that would be great. But if you go to the police station and explain the situation they will be on your side before they get there. They have to respect the homeowner before an 18 YO or 15 YO. You could talk to your mom and grandmother before to see if they think it is an ok idea. Might as well get something for your tax dollars.
dubber609, you make me cry man!!!!
ezinestein you're such a fucktard. Do you think that the world runs perfect, and there's only peace and no war? Wake up from your fantasyland and LOOK! at how fucked up the world is. Why is the world fucked up? It's because of humans. OP's brother's like that, and OP's mom, grandmom's like that because of their social and cultural upbrining. It's easy for you as an outsider, living your perfect life to observe and comment on how messed up they are, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LIVING THEIR LIFE!
Watch more Opera and learn to cry, dipshit.
OP you already have the answer dude. Talk to a cop, and make friends with fathery figures that 1. cop can handle your brothers and 2. figure can become friends with your mom and let her realise how messed up she is.
It's a small town, and if you have the whole town against your bro, and help out your mom spiritually, it can work out into a better scenario later on.
ezinestein you're such a fucktard. Do you think that the world runs perfect, and there's only peace and no war? Wake up from your fantasyland and LOOK! at how fucked up the world is. Why is the world fucked up? It's because of humans. OP's brother's like that, and OP's mom, grandmom's like that because of their social and cultural upbrining. It's easy for you as an outsider, living your perfect life to observe and comment on how messed up they are, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LIVING THEIR LIFE!
Watch more Opera and learn to cry, dipshit.
OP you already have the answer dude. Talk to a cop, and make friends with fathery figures that 1. cop can handle your brothers and 2. figure can become friends with your mom and let her realise how messed up she is.
It's a small town, and if you have the whole town against your bro, and help out your mom spiritually, it can work out into a better scenario later on.
Go to the home. Three steps.
#1 - 18 year old gets kicked out no questions asked. If mom objects (feeling guilty) there is not much else you can do but remove yourself from situation.
#2 - Talk to 15 year old. Hint as where his life is heading. Give option; he can either live on the street or straighten up and live at home.
#3 - Depending on your affiliate income, put your mom and gramma in a seperate town home. Take ownerships of the old house, change locks, and let the boys fend for themselves.
#1 - 18 year old gets kicked out no questions asked. If mom objects (feeling guilty) there is not much else you can do but remove yourself from situation.
#2 - Talk to 15 year old. Hint as where his life is heading. Give option; he can either live on the street or straighten up and live at home.
#3 - Depending on your affiliate income, put your mom and gramma in a seperate town home. Take ownerships of the old house, change locks, and let the boys fend for themselves.
Alright fine.. because it's the holidays for you Jesus lovers, I'll give you some real, no bullshit advice. You do with it what you will, but this is the way you should look at it...
These types of situations are called FUBAR. There's no logical explanation as to why your brothers are such maniacs aside for the fact that they probably lack the attention they are craving, acting much younger and immature than they are supposed to, don't have a fatherly figure or older brother around to guide them and show them how to be respectful and act better, or just plain don't give a shit right now. They will however give a shit later on in life.
Here's what YOU need to consider..
1- If you claim to love your family, why not offer to sell the house and have your mother and grandmother move away, with a pocket full of cash, and you'll help take care of them or get them the professional care they need?
2- Give the two boys an ultimatum. Either act normal, or get the fuck out with an order of protection that follows them out the door. This way all they have to do is violate it once, and they will be sent to jail. Then that fun little stint in Juvie or County will show them that they are fucking up and all they will want is their mommy. Maybe ask some trusted friends of the family or yours to check up on them and excersize the restraining order if they think it needs to be done.
3- Do nothing. You left for a reason. Perhaps you're making it sound worse than it really is, and if they aren't causing physical harm to your mother and grandmother then it may not be as bad as it sounds in the first place. Cool off, then write your stories.
4- Take physical action against your brothers. Although, you do risk ending up in jail, and in way more of a pissed off mood for a much longer period of time which would have a total negative effect for you on the situation and ultimately make it worse.
5- Tell your mother and grandmother that if they don't want these two boys to be sent to jail or sent away, then it's time for them to stand up to them, and the worse thing that will happen is they will get smacked in the face by one of the boys, which is doubtful when guys that age act out the way they are doing, but maybe a smack in the face of reality is what these two women need in order to finally diffuse the situation and make life better for themselves for a change?
6- If you stand by and do nothing... your grandmother and mother, who are both disabled will have a much tougher time living and getting around, thus making their lives worse. Plus, without someone around to show these two douchebag brothers of yours how to act or punishment that straightens them out, whether you want to admit it or not, it will be part of your fault as to why they both grow up and end up beating the shit out of their wives and children. Whenever someone stands by and allows something bad to happen to someone else and doesn't intervene because they are "unsure" or "confused about what to do" all that means is that they are too much of a pussy to do something, or worse, they don't really care enough in the first place.
So... if you care, you will take action. If you don't, then you won't. Taking action or not taking action doesn't make anyone here or in your life where you live now like you or respect you more. But if you do choose to take action, you better follow-through, and set an example that you mean it to your brothers, mother and grandmother, so that if you ever have to deal with shit like this again, they will know that you are not fucking around, that you are the alpha-male, and that when you come around, you are there to get shit done and that's the end of it.
Goodluck.
These types of situations are called FUBAR. There's no logical explanation as to why your brothers are such maniacs aside for the fact that they probably lack the attention they are craving, acting much younger and immature than they are supposed to, don't have a fatherly figure or older brother around to guide them and show them how to be respectful and act better, or just plain don't give a shit right now. They will however give a shit later on in life.
Here's what YOU need to consider..
1- If you claim to love your family, why not offer to sell the house and have your mother and grandmother move away, with a pocket full of cash, and you'll help take care of them or get them the professional care they need?
2- Give the two boys an ultimatum. Either act normal, or get the fuck out with an order of protection that follows them out the door. This way all they have to do is violate it once, and they will be sent to jail. Then that fun little stint in Juvie or County will show them that they are fucking up and all they will want is their mommy. Maybe ask some trusted friends of the family or yours to check up on them and excersize the restraining order if they think it needs to be done.
3- Do nothing. You left for a reason. Perhaps you're making it sound worse than it really is, and if they aren't causing physical harm to your mother and grandmother then it may not be as bad as it sounds in the first place. Cool off, then write your stories.
4- Take physical action against your brothers. Although, you do risk ending up in jail, and in way more of a pissed off mood for a much longer period of time which would have a total negative effect for you on the situation and ultimately make it worse.
5- Tell your mother and grandmother that if they don't want these two boys to be sent to jail or sent away, then it's time for them to stand up to them, and the worse thing that will happen is they will get smacked in the face by one of the boys, which is doubtful when guys that age act out the way they are doing, but maybe a smack in the face of reality is what these two women need in order to finally diffuse the situation and make life better for themselves for a change?
6- If you stand by and do nothing... your grandmother and mother, who are both disabled will have a much tougher time living and getting around, thus making their lives worse. Plus, without someone around to show these two douchebag brothers of yours how to act or punishment that straightens them out, whether you want to admit it or not, it will be part of your fault as to why they both grow up and end up beating the shit out of their wives and children. Whenever someone stands by and allows something bad to happen to someone else and doesn't intervene because they are "unsure" or "confused about what to do" all that means is that they are too much of a pussy to do something, or worse, they don't really care enough in the first place.
So... if you care, you will take action. If you don't, then you won't. Taking action or not taking action doesn't make anyone here or in your life where you live now like you or respect you more. But if you do choose to take action, you better follow-through, and set an example that you mean it to your brothers, mother and grandmother, so that if you ever have to deal with shit like this again, they will know that you are not fucking around, that you are the alpha-male, and that when you come around, you are there to get shit done and that's the end of it.
Goodluck.
Before you do anything, though, you have to make a covenant with your mom and grandma, to stand united against the boys. Otherwise, no matter what solution you come up with your mother's passivity will undermine everything. If she cannot agree to this and doesn't find the strength to stand up to them, I say you will have to wash your hands of it. Otherwise you end up trying to fix people who refused to be fixed. It's physically, spiritually and mentally vexing and you wind up back at square one.
Isn't it in the constitution that older siblings have a right and a duty to beat the shit out of the younger when they act up? I learned that from my older brother and sister, along with many ways to beat the crap outta someone and/or torture them without leaving bruises or scars. I may just be fucked up in the head but the easiest way is to find one single object and make them deathly afraid of it (belt syndrome). When they're fuckin up grab it and they'll stop, or hang it on the wall while your out of town as a reminder that you'll be back. It doesn't even have to be something violent, it can just be gross (cover a rag in something disgusting or smelly and hold him down and shove it in his mouth till he agrees to stop being a little prick to mom and grandma) or even violent in an age appropriate manner (since my younger sister was so much smaller than me I used to beat her with the exact same pillow everytime she'd pull shit, it wouldn't hurt her but she knew when i went to grab the pillow she was in deep shit). But with 18 year olds feel free to go all out. As the older sibling its your duty to raise twice as much hell as he can you can't be a pussy about it, but you don't have to do anything that'll put you in jail either. Plus as pissed off as you are I'm sure you don't really want your brother to get any sort of serious injury.
ps. people on probation don't call the cops on ANYONE for ANY REASON.
pps. if it helps, everytime you go visit the moment you walk through the door take a count of all the stuff he's done and think eye for an eye on crack. "I heard you broke something of grandmas?" * calmly rip the stereo out of his dash and toss it through the windshield of his car* *give him a wedgie while grabbing his wallet* *pull out a couple bucks and hand it back to him along with the wallet* "go buy her a new one and don't let it happen again." After that theres no reason you guys can't be cool and maybe even have a meal together. Sure he'll be crazy pissed off but I guarantee you he won't do it again without thinking twice.
ps. people on probation don't call the cops on ANYONE for ANY REASON.
pps. if it helps, everytime you go visit the moment you walk through the door take a count of all the stuff he's done and think eye for an eye on crack. "I heard you broke something of grandmas?" * calmly rip the stereo out of his dash and toss it through the windshield of his car* *give him a wedgie while grabbing his wallet* *pull out a couple bucks and hand it back to him along with the wallet* "go buy her a new one and don't let it happen again." After that theres no reason you guys can't be cool and maybe even have a meal together. Sure he'll be crazy pissed off but I guarantee you he won't do it again without thinking twice.
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oh i should probably mention. if you want to handle it a civil and legal way. Even though most kids on probation don't require an actual probation officer. they can still get one assigned, in often cases it can also be a parent. So if you go to the local police station and tell them the mom wants to be the legal probation officer of her son they can get the paperwork signed by a judge which if he's being a jerk to her is VERY bad for him.
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