*** ASW - Postwhore Contest #3!! ***

Status
Not open for further replies.
One day a pregnant wife announced that she was going to start looking for names for her and her husbands unborn child. When the father had gotten home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that the name was going to be Ophella. The husband (who was quite witty) didn't like the name he said, "That's a good name, it reminds me of this girl I dated in high school." The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.
 


Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".
 
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
 
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'
 
  • Like
Reactions: dastuff
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
 
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
 
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
 
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
 
A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"
 
Doel van de proef
Het toepassen van de energiewetten, de snelheid van het balletje berekenen en het bepalen van de wrijvingskracht tussen de kogel en de baan.

Inleiding
Je hebt je vast wel eens afgevraagd hoe snel een balletje of kogeltje nou door bijv. een glijbaan gaat, hoe snel het kogeltje zal versnellen en hoe ver hij zal komen, bij deze proef laten we een balletje door een baan rollen en gaan we kijken hoe ver het balletje komt en hoe snel het balletje gaat.

Meetplan
Benodigdheden
- Een kogelbaan, met een horizontaal einde.
- Een kogeltje
- Een zandbak waar de kogel in landt
- Een rolmaat en meetlat

Kogelbaan


Benodigde formules
½mv2 + mghB
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB
y = ½gt2
x = vB*t

Uitvoering
We laten een kogeltje zonder beginsnelheid door een buis rollen. Het kogeltje mag geen duwtje krijgen, anders zullen de resultaten niet kloppen. Het kogeltje zal versnellen en weer aan de andere kant van de buis er uit rollen en nog een stuk doorvliegen en dan in de zandbak landen. We moeten het volgende meten:
 De Hoogte aan het begin van de baan bij punt A tot de hoogte van het zand in de zandbak.
 De Hoogte aan het eind van de baan bij punt B tot de hoogte van het zand in de zandbak.
 De horizontale afstand van B tot de plek waar het kogeltje in het zand terechtkomt (punt C).
 De lengte van de buis (lengte L)


Meetresultaten
De massa van het kogeltje is 4,5 gram. De hoogte van het zand in de zandbak is 5 cm, de hoogte in punt A is 104 cm en dus is het hoogteverschil van punt A met het zand 99 cm, de hoogte in punt B is 55 cm en dus is het hoogteverschil van punt B met het zand 50 cm.
De horizontale afstand van punt B tot waar het balletje neerkwam (punt C) was in
Meting Meetwaarde
Massa kogeltje 0.0045 (kg)
Lengte kogelbaan 0.87 (m)
Hoogte A tot het zand 0.99 (m)
Hoogte B tot het zand 0.50 (m)
Gem. afstand B tot C 0.75 (m)
de 1e meting 0.75 M
de 2e meting 0.77 M
de 3e meting 0.74 M
de 4e meting 0.73 M
de 5e meting 0.75 M
De gemiddelde afstand is dus 0.75 M



Uitwerking van de resultaten
De snelheid van het kogeltje in B met de wet van behoud van energie:
Aangenomen wordt dat de wrijvingskracht is te verwaarlozen.
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB
ghA = ½v2 + ghB ((m) kan worden weggedeeld)

9.81*0.99 = ½v2 + 9.81*0.50
9.7119 = ½v² + 4.905
½v² = 4.8069
v2 = 2.4035
v = (2.4035) (m/s) = 1.55 (m/s)

De tijd dat het kogeltje in de lucht is
Y = ½gt²
0.50 = ½gt2
0.50 = 0.5*9.8*t2
0.50 = 4.9*t²
t = (0.5/4.9)  0.32 (s)

De horizontale afstand van B tot C
x = vB*t
x = 1.55 (m/s) * 0.32 (s)
x = 0.50 (m)

Er was wel wrijving in de buis, maar die was zo klein dat die wel te verwaarlozen is.

Werkelijke snelheid in B
x = vB * t
vB = x / t
vB = 0.75 / 0.32
vB = 2.34 (m/s)

Arbeid van de wrijving in de buis
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB + FW*s
0.0045*9.81*0.99 = 0.5*0.0045*2.342 + 0.0045*9.81*0.50 + Ww
0.04370355 = 0.0343926 + Ww
WW = 0.00931095 J = 9.3 mJ

Wrijvingskracht
W = F * s
F = W / s
F = 0.0093 / 0,87
F = 0,0107 N

Energieomzettingen
Zwaarte-energie  Kinetische energie
Zwaarte-energie  Warmte-energie

Conclusie
Het is wel te doen om de wrijvingskracht uit te rekenen tussen de kogel en de baan, dus als een kleuter wil weten wat de wrijvingskracht is tussen zijn bal en de glijbaan kan hij dat met deze berekeningen uitrekenen.




spam
 
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
 
Doel van de proef
Het toepassen van de energiewetten, de snelheid van het balletje berekenen en het bepalen van de wrijvingskracht tussen de kogel en de baan.

Inleiding
Je hebt je vast wel eens afgevraagd hoe snel een balletje of kogeltje nou door bijv. een glijbaan gaat, hoe snel het kogeltje zal versnellen en hoe ver hij zal komen, bij deze proef laten we een balletje door een baan rollen en gaan we kijken hoe ver het balletje komt en hoe snel het balletje gaat.

Meetplan
Benodigdheden
- Een kogelbaan, met een horizontaal einde.
- Een kogeltje
- Een zandbak waar de kogel in landt
- Een rolmaat en meetlat

Kogelbaan


Benodigde formules
½mv2 + mghB
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB
y = ½gt2
x = vB*t

Uitvoering
We laten een kogeltje zonder beginsnelheid door een buis rollen. Het kogeltje mag geen duwtje krijgen, anders zullen de resultaten niet kloppen. Het kogeltje zal versnellen en weer aan de andere kant van de buis er uit rollen en nog een stuk doorvliegen en dan in de zandbak landen. We moeten het volgende meten:
 De Hoogte aan het begin van de baan bij punt A tot de hoogte van het zand in de zandbak.
 De Hoogte aan het eind van de baan bij punt B tot de hoogte van het zand in de zandbak.
 De horizontale afstand van B tot de plek waar het kogeltje in het zand terechtkomt (punt C).
 De lengte van de buis (lengte L)


Meetresultaten
De massa van het kogeltje is 4,5 gram. De hoogte van het zand in de zandbak is 5 cm, de hoogte in punt A is 104 cm en dus is het hoogteverschil van punt A met het zand 99 cm, de hoogte in punt B is 55 cm en dus is het hoogteverschil van punt B met het zand 50 cm.
De horizontale afstand van punt B tot waar het balletje neerkwam (punt C) was in
Meting Meetwaarde
Massa kogeltje 0.0045 (kg)
Lengte kogelbaan 0.87 (m)
Hoogte A tot het zand 0.99 (m)
Hoogte B tot het zand 0.50 (m)
Gem. afstand B tot C 0.75 (m)
de 1e meting 0.75 M
de 2e meting 0.77 M
de 3e meting 0.74 M
de 4e meting 0.73 M
de 5e meting 0.75 M
De gemiddelde afstand is dus 0.75 M



Uitwerking van de resultaten
De snelheid van het kogeltje in B met de wet van behoud van energie:
Aangenomen wordt dat de wrijvingskracht is te verwaarlozen.
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB
ghA = ½v2 + ghB ((m) kan worden weggedeeld)

9.81*0.99 = ½v2 + 9.81*0.50
9.7119 = ½v² + 4.905
½v² = 4.8069
v2 = 2.4035
v = (2.4035) (m/s) = 1.55 (m/s)

De tijd dat het kogeltje in de lucht is
Y = ½gt²
0.50 = ½gt2
0.50 = 0.5*9.8*t2
0.50 = 4.9*t²
t = (0.5/4.9)  0.32 (s)

De horizontale afstand van B tot C
x = vB*t
x = 1.55 (m/s) * 0.32 (s)
x = 0.50 (m)

Er was wel wrijving in de buis, maar die was zo klein dat die wel te verwaarlozen is.

Werkelijke snelheid in B
x = vB * t
vB = x / t
vB = 0.75 / 0.32
vB = 2.34 (m/s)

Arbeid van de wrijving in de buis
mghA = ½mv2 + mghB + FW*s
0.0045*9.81*0.99 = 0.5*0.0045*2.342 + 0.0045*9.81*0.50 + Ww
0.04370355 = 0.0343926 + Ww
WW = 0.00931095 J = 9.3 mJ

Wrijvingskracht
W = F * s
F = W / s
F = 0.0093 / 0,87
F = 0,0107 N

Energieomzettingen
Zwaarte-energie  Kinetische energie
Zwaarte-energie  Warmte-energie

Conclusie
Het is wel te doen om de wrijvingskracht uit te rekenen tussen de kogel en de baan, dus als een kleuter wil weten wat de wrijvingskracht is tussen zijn bal en de glijbaan kan hij dat met deze berekeningen uitrekenen.




spam

ah yes i see
 
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
 
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
 
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
 
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
 
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.