Now that looks 5x better. But there is still a few things you can adjust to make it 10x better. But you need to test things out to make it 10x better. This makes me want to read instead of the other one. I'm not an expert but maybe these things may help:
-link some words in the text while the user reads. For example, link the text "free trial" and other words.
-The guy that wants to end his life might not be a great picture. But hey, you never know so split test it.
-This is also to split test, but maybe take out the borders on the images.