Confused Christian -- Need Some Help!

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Kiopa_Matt

Banned
May 13, 2011
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When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
 


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Kiopa_Matt said:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
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First establish why they are not burning their own bulls and creating their own stench. Their reasons may build a further case against their eventual demise at your hands.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
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Refer to WIA agents for a fair quote.

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
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Property cannot take offense and you shouldn't be worried about it. Figure it out.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
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Your friend is wrong. Canadians make excellent slaves for purposes of harvesting lumber and growing canola oil.

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
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Yes, but refer him your local religiously oppressive and exploitative religious authority first. If he is busy then proceed on your own.

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
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I would tend to agree with your friend. More importantly though, make sure your friend is not eating any gay shellfish. If he is, you may need to kill him twice.

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
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This is a metaphor. Look within yourself to find your inner sight. When your vision is clear you are ready to approach the alter.

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
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Scissors.

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
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As long as they are not leather, yes.

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
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Stoning sets a more prolonged example. Burning is unfortunately over quite quickly and although it's quite flashy it doesn't drive the point home quite like a few days and nights under pressure.

That said if you're pressed for time or low on timber for your pyres, look into Canadian slaves for help with the extra lumber.
 
Were you looking for a actual answer or just wanted to complain about a religion?

Christ came to fulfill the law. The law (As Jesus said) is death and that no one can follow it. Instead, Christians have to follow one law - To love others more than themselves. That one statement sums up the entirety of the New Testament.

The law was intended for Jews in old society, nothing more. Christ fulfilled that law when he came, but there are many Christians who want to pick & chose what they follow out of the old testament's Levitical law, then do the same with the New Testament as well.
 
Hey Matt,

You do realize that the Christians follow the teachings of the new testament, while what you wrote is actually what the jews believe.

Yep that's right: That is what jews believe in.
 
Geez, some of you actually seem to be taking offense to this. Settle down, it was a joke for our new friends from Ohio. It's a "Dr. Laura" letter that's been passed around the internet for years now as a joke.

Sorry if I offended anyone, but wasn't my intention. Believe whatever you want, I don't care. Just don't harm your fellow human, or push your beliefs on others, and all is well in my eyes!
 
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