This thread reminds me of a country song with the chorus that goes "God is great, beer is good and people are crazy" pretty much sums up this thread.
I'm Living A Lie, But Too Afraid To Leave.
- Thread starter W1NN1NG
- Start date
I am extremely happy with a wife and being a Christian, hate to break your stereotype.
I know many Christians like you , and whether you think you're doing a good job or not, there's a few who know you for who you REALLY are.
As other posters have said, if you're going to leave your wife, do it now before kids. Otherwise you're going to ruin more lives than needed.
Be warned though : I've known MANY people just like you who have a extremely idealistic view of the world. Sure, living that kind of lifestyle can have its high points, I won't deny that. However out of every single person I've known to do what you're suggesting, they all end up the same way : Miserable and depressed, even more so than they were before.
Personally, I blame it on stupid churches that promote a doctrine that most of the people in the congregation don't even believe. My parents never ever forced religion or God on me. They made it extremely clear early on that I was the only one who made those kinds of decisions for myself, no one else. I know it made me better and I have done my best to live a good life. I love having the family I do, it's extremely nice to know that regardless of what happens to me that people are there to take care of me.
I know many Christians like you , and whether you think you're doing a good job or not, there's a few who know you for who you REALLY are.
As other posters have said, if you're going to leave your wife, do it now before kids. Otherwise you're going to ruin more lives than needed.
Be warned though : I've known MANY people just like you who have a extremely idealistic view of the world. Sure, living that kind of lifestyle can have its high points, I won't deny that. However out of every single person I've known to do what you're suggesting, they all end up the same way : Miserable and depressed, even more so than they were before.
Personally, I blame it on stupid churches that promote a doctrine that most of the people in the congregation don't even believe. My parents never ever forced religion or God on me. They made it extremely clear early on that I was the only one who made those kinds of decisions for myself, no one else. I know it made me better and I have done my best to live a good life. I love having the family I do, it's extremely nice to know that regardless of what happens to me that people are there to take care of me.
As one of the resident females around here you have two decent options: shit or get off the pot.
If you're going to cheat on your wife and take her down into your dramatic mess of "I'm entitled" nonsense, cut her loose. Get a divorce and get the hell out of her life. And since you've screwed things up for her (from what you've said anyhow), you get to walk away and she gets the consolation prizes. At that point you can fuck yourself or anyone else you want. I'd say this is the case even if you have kids. Better to send a check then to screw them up with your self-entitled shit. It sounds like she has family nearby to support her if she needs to raise kids on her own, and they would probably be more supportive than you, anyhow.
If you're going to legitimately work on your marriage and you have all of your whining out of your system, it's time for some honest conversation. Your wife probably knows you're unhappy. She's probably desperate for you to share what's going on so she can make up her mind about how to proceed with her own life. Be sure that you know what message you want to send before you talk, though. Telling her you dream of multiple women if you're not going to act on it (ever) probably isn't necessary - she might opt to divorce you for that or for anything else you're going to say, but the most important key to a successful marriage is communication. You don't have a shot if you're not going to talk about religion, sexual preferences (with her, not hurtful fantasies that should stay private) and the your future plans.
If you're going to cheat on your wife and take her down into your dramatic mess of "I'm entitled" nonsense, cut her loose. Get a divorce and get the hell out of her life. And since you've screwed things up for her (from what you've said anyhow), you get to walk away and she gets the consolation prizes. At that point you can fuck yourself or anyone else you want. I'd say this is the case even if you have kids. Better to send a check then to screw them up with your self-entitled shit. It sounds like she has family nearby to support her if she needs to raise kids on her own, and they would probably be more supportive than you, anyhow.
If you're going to legitimately work on your marriage and you have all of your whining out of your system, it's time for some honest conversation. Your wife probably knows you're unhappy. She's probably desperate for you to share what's going on so she can make up her mind about how to proceed with her own life. Be sure that you know what message you want to send before you talk, though. Telling her you dream of multiple women if you're not going to act on it (ever) probably isn't necessary - she might opt to divorce you for that or for anything else you're going to say, but the most important key to a successful marriage is communication. You don't have a shot if you're not going to talk about religion, sexual preferences (with her, not hurtful fantasies that should stay private) and the your future plans.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anGiwZH8agY]The Disappearing Male Part 1 - YouTube[/ame]
you don't have kids. stop whining, you have it easy.
separate your doubt in your religion (and the crap it tells you not to do) from your relationship with your wife. Stop going to church if it feels fake. Tell your wife that you aren't happy with church and aren't sure why but right now you are not going to go anymore. Put your foot down here. If she cant handle you having some doubt in your religion, ask her why. In fact, why haven't you talked to her about this yet? Your wife should be your best friend, you should be able to tell her when some things in life are bothering you.
Figure out if you are happy in your relationship with your wife. Understand that while sex with new people is fun, relationships are the result of years of work, and that none are perfect. Decide for you if you want to stay with your wife. Ignore all the crap above about vows and honor and shit. You have one life, and so does your wife, and neither of you will be happy if its not working. In fact, faking it is stealing from her. You are stealing the time she could be with someone who isn't faking it. You're stealing her best child bearing years.
You may however realize that you don't want to leave her.
Basically, figure out what parts of your life you want to keep and which ones you don't.
separate your doubt in your religion (and the crap it tells you not to do) from your relationship with your wife. Stop going to church if it feels fake. Tell your wife that you aren't happy with church and aren't sure why but right now you are not going to go anymore. Put your foot down here. If she cant handle you having some doubt in your religion, ask her why. In fact, why haven't you talked to her about this yet? Your wife should be your best friend, you should be able to tell her when some things in life are bothering you.
Figure out if you are happy in your relationship with your wife. Understand that while sex with new people is fun, relationships are the result of years of work, and that none are perfect. Decide for you if you want to stay with your wife. Ignore all the crap above about vows and honor and shit. You have one life, and so does your wife, and neither of you will be happy if its not working. In fact, faking it is stealing from her. You are stealing the time she could be with someone who isn't faking it. You're stealing her best child bearing years.
You may however realize that you don't want to leave her.
Basically, figure out what parts of your life you want to keep and which ones you don't.
This is what I hate about relationship advice from women. One little bump in the road and the first word that comes out is divorce.
Why so hasty to split the family up? Grow some balls and tell him to fight for his family and his marriage like a man ought to.
The family's the most important thing in your life and family doesn't just mean the kid it also means the man or woman you're married to. Lifelong motherfuckin' commitment.
I've always admired people who grit their teeth, never gave in and found a way to get through their problems rather than pussy out and play the divorce card, man or woman.
Because women are born quitters. Actually anyone who is overly emotional is likely going to consider quitting as the best option, every time.
This sounds like you married her and then she got fat...
If you don't leave, this phase will pass but will probably come back. You will end up having affairs, which you will regret. You may end up in 30 years feeling as though you've wasted your life.
If you do leave, you will most likely regret it in a few years; or at least at different times during your life. You will find it easier to leave again.
No one can tell you what to do to make you happy except yourself.
But make up your mind; don't stay by default. Choose to stay and control your thoughts or leave and never look back. Look at the worst case scenario for each path and choose the one where you can best handle the consequences.
If you don't leave, this phase will pass but will probably come back. You will end up having affairs, which you will regret. You may end up in 30 years feeling as though you've wasted your life.
If you do leave, you will most likely regret it in a few years; or at least at different times during your life. You will find it easier to leave again.
No one can tell you what to do to make you happy except yourself.
But make up your mind; don't stay by default. Choose to stay and control your thoughts or leave and never look back. Look at the worst case scenario for each path and choose the one where you can best handle the consequences.
You dude, I was in the EXACT situation you were in, luckily I didn't get to the marriage part, but I dated the same girl for 8 years. From 16-25
Went to grad school, started medical school, she was starting law school, and we were going to be the happy american dream couple.
Then I realized I wanted to see what else was out there in the world, girls, travel, and not be stuck in the library and hospital for the next ten years of my life.
The relationship fell apart during professional school, and I decided not to go the medicine route either, realizing I was doing it for the wrong reasons, like job security and paid well.
That's all this damn shit is about SECURITY.
Let me tell you, leaving all that was THE BEST decision I've ever made in my entire life.
Holy shit.
The amount of fun I've had, the girls I've met, the almost 40 countries I've visited in the past three years.
And more importantly the amount of GROWTH that has come from working on myself and becoming a better person.
---
One of the biggest concerns I had about ending the relationship, and what most guys have in this position is that they are more afraid of the UNKNOWN, than the bullshit unhappy life they have now.
But let me tell you, shit is SO MUCH BETTER on the other side if you are unhappy.
I guess I'm biased since I teach guys how to meet girls for a living, but if your fears are related to finding another girl...
There are so many girls out there, just waiting for you!
Good luck!
Went to grad school, started medical school, she was starting law school, and we were going to be the happy american dream couple.
Then I realized I wanted to see what else was out there in the world, girls, travel, and not be stuck in the library and hospital for the next ten years of my life.
The relationship fell apart during professional school, and I decided not to go the medicine route either, realizing I was doing it for the wrong reasons, like job security and paid well.
That's all this damn shit is about SECURITY.
Let me tell you, leaving all that was THE BEST decision I've ever made in my entire life.
Holy shit.
The amount of fun I've had, the girls I've met, the almost 40 countries I've visited in the past three years.
And more importantly the amount of GROWTH that has come from working on myself and becoming a better person.
---
One of the biggest concerns I had about ending the relationship, and what most guys have in this position is that they are more afraid of the UNKNOWN, than the bullshit unhappy life they have now.
But let me tell you, shit is SO MUCH BETTER on the other side if you are unhappy.
I guess I'm biased since I teach guys how to meet girls for a living, but if your fears are related to finding another girl...
There are so many girls out there, just waiting for you!
Good luck!
Hey man, don't bother with all this bullshit "advice".
You need the power of statistics.
divorce360.com | Marriage Calculator
I ran a few calculations based on the data you gave us, and I have to say, it doesn't look good for you bro.
You need the power of statistics.
divorce360.com | Marriage Calculator
I ran a few calculations based on the data you gave us, and I have to say, it doesn't look good for you bro.
PURPLE SHIRT
CAN`T COMPLAIN
*****
I`m basically on the side of the guys who say you need to get away from the things that are holding you back from enjoying your life and being the man you are meant to be. Just going along with the people around you and bowing down for something you don`t believe in is enough on its own to make you feel like half a man. Like conv3rsion said, stop going to church and start standing up for your own beliefs. You never know, maybe your wife will be massively attracted to the new, more manly and congruent you. Maybe that will revitalize your relationship and sex life. Maybe she`s secretly dreaming about some kinky shit and you could bring that out of her by taking the lead.
Then again maybe her view of the world is too narrow and she`ll just think you`ve lost it. But if you still love your wife, I`m of the opinion that you should try to bring her with you on your journey first, before you just up and leave. If after sharing your true beliefs, desires, etc. with her, you are incompatible, then do what you gotta do.