For years I have struggled with a depression that anyone around me thinks is non-existent. Or at least, it is to them, because they do not understand it, and clearly they are not in it. They don't even know how to handle it for FUCKS sake.
Well FUCK YOU world. I give up at this point.
Anyone else ever been stuck this far down the shit pipe???:
Saturday December 18th, 2010: 3:12 PM
I have been contemplating writing in this thing for a long time now...for hours on end too, it seems.
There's too many things in my head right now. All of them probably don't matter, or should not matter, but they matter to me regardless one way or another they wormed their way into my mind and wrapped themselves around my feelings like a bow on a gift.
Where to start? I am mad.
I think my family is stupid. I don't think they are stupid in the way that they would interpret that comment should they hear it from my mouth; but rather today Mom said something along the lines of her not wanting me to want to kill myself again when they leave.
Saying it as if she believes at this time that I still do not have those thoughts. She went on to say that we all think about it sometimes.
I said well that's fine, but said I think about it daily.
She probably ignored what I said there too. This morning, for instance, I woke up and instantly felt disgusted with myself, and instantly considered again if being dead would give me the satisfaction I am seeking, or not.
I am talking about literally being able to do it and have a reasoning that trumps hurting others, or trumps anything others can argue or suggest therein.
I literally cannot stand myself. I hate me. I looked at some pictures of Avril Lavigne today, and thought that she kindof looks like my old neighbor, Jennifer....who everyone thought was drop dead gorgeous, and who everyone would comment on, with that basis.
I, of course, am not on that level, to anyone, as far as I can see. Sometimes I think that I can be, but I still won't look like that.
I just DON'T look like that. It's that simple, but I HATE that.
Every little thing pisses me off. I cannot enjoy anything.
I hate food. I hate eating.
I do it anyway, I do it till I can't eat anymore. Then I do it more.
Lately I have been so tired too, that I can't even masturbate. I just fall asleep. Then I sleep for 16, 20 hours if possible.
I even forfeit eating too. I just sleep. I feel so heavy.
Now too I can sleep, literally. It would not matter how much I have slept, I can always bring myself to sleep more.
If I bring myself past the point where I have slept and rested more than my body can handle; then I feel like a complete nut job. I feel insane.
I get up and feel like I am waking up inside a body, inside a room, and inside a world that is not mine, not me, and not anything I expect to wake up to or be in or anything.
But that's because I don't expect anything of anything...nothing.
Oh, and I just checked this in Microsoft Word; and everything is perfect spelling wise...except one word. Forfeit...forfiet.
I don't expect myself to be able to sit and type in a wordpad, and come out with completely perfect English sentences.
I'm not Mentor guy, I can't sit and close my eyes, and type in a wordpad; and get everything correct. The grammar, the spelling....the spaces, and punctuation.
I have to look at the screen; although I don't look at my hands; I can still see them in my peripheral.
I just don't trust myself. He trusts himself. Clearly he trusts himself enough to sit down and KNOW that he can do everything, and not doubt that. No disbelief in his capabilities.
Nothing that I feel. Nothing that I experience. He kicks it all aside.
It has been snowing every single day. Can you believe it? EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I have only been outside ONCE probably, sorry, TWICE in the past month, maybe two months. Oh sorry, 3 times.
The first time was to go out and get stuff from Walmart...which I postponed absolutely, until Mom said she was going, and I went with her.
Then to the restaurant with Mom and Dad.
Then to Dad's brother's place.
I wanted to cancel all three. Right up until the moment I went out, I thought of ways to flake out and just not bother.
Sleeping is better. Being in my room.
Dying inside.
I think I'm dead.
Anyway...it's snowing. What does that mean? Why does that matter?
Obviously this season is my favorite one. I love snow. I love it.
I love this weather. I love things.
But I don't really anymore.
Now I just hate it.
I can't experience it, I can't enjoy it.
It's so fucking pretty, so beautiful, so everything....so everything that I hate now.
Though I have been wanting to simply go outside, to the back yard....and dig holes in the snow. Like I did when I was a kid.
Make a fort. A fortress...and lay in it. But I don't have any of the winter clothes that I had when I was a kid, so I can't do that.
I feel sad because I won't be able to do that. I have no money, so I can't afford the boots to go buy it to play in the snow once.
It's a stupid investment anyway. I won't even get into the whole problem of me not having money; and how all of that is my own fault, as is everything anyway. That's all too obvious; so just forget it.
I asked my family to go skating. It's too cold to do it...likely. I also don't really want to upon further thought. Once again all the flakiness.
I am secretly happy that they may not. Though, I know that Mom is already feeling bad thinking that I will be mad at her if we don't go...thinking that I will use that as leverage in the future, to say that they never do anything with me...though they always tell me I need to do stuff or this and that. But, when it comes to the chase, nothing happens.
But I'm happy. HA. Happy. That we might not go. My mitts and ear covering hat will not keep me warm outside. My ears and face would get cold; then I'd be annoyed and dislike it...and wouldn't skate, because my hands would have to be on my face.
I can't skate that good anyway, so my hands cannot be on my face.
I can't find my real toque, because my room is a disaster. A mess. I have a suspicion that it may be in the bins, but I can't be bothered to pull them off my dresser and dig through them for that.
So instead, I will stay inside, and do nothing. But will think about doing things that I actually hate now.
Snow reminds me of things. I don't want to go outside. It's so pretty. It makes me even more depressed.
Then I wish I can share that with people. I want to take videos of it, and show people. I want to experience it with someone.
But I cannot. I always NEVER could. So screw it.
Leave it.
and forget it.
This year has had more snow than any other year. It's every single day. Sitting there to taunt me.
Of all the times I wanted it a lot, and badly...for Christmas...just to look at or have outside.
This year I don't. Now it's all over...of course.
I didn't bother putting out all of the christmas stuff this year. People asked my family if I did that this year; I said no.
My family said in that suprised answering tone too....to whoever asked it that no, I did not.
That's because I don't care. I just put up the tree and left the stuffed animals out. That was it.
I didn't spend 3 days doing the tree either; like I would in the past...carefully making sure everything was in place and put so correctly. It was done in a matter of hours this time.
Well FUCK YOU world. I give up at this point.
Anyone else ever been stuck this far down the shit pipe???:
Saturday December 18th, 2010: 3:12 PM
I have been contemplating writing in this thing for a long time now...for hours on end too, it seems.
There's too many things in my head right now. All of them probably don't matter, or should not matter, but they matter to me regardless one way or another they wormed their way into my mind and wrapped themselves around my feelings like a bow on a gift.
Where to start? I am mad.
I think my family is stupid. I don't think they are stupid in the way that they would interpret that comment should they hear it from my mouth; but rather today Mom said something along the lines of her not wanting me to want to kill myself again when they leave.
Saying it as if she believes at this time that I still do not have those thoughts. She went on to say that we all think about it sometimes.
I said well that's fine, but said I think about it daily.
She probably ignored what I said there too. This morning, for instance, I woke up and instantly felt disgusted with myself, and instantly considered again if being dead would give me the satisfaction I am seeking, or not.
I am talking about literally being able to do it and have a reasoning that trumps hurting others, or trumps anything others can argue or suggest therein.
I literally cannot stand myself. I hate me. I looked at some pictures of Avril Lavigne today, and thought that she kindof looks like my old neighbor, Jennifer....who everyone thought was drop dead gorgeous, and who everyone would comment on, with that basis.
I, of course, am not on that level, to anyone, as far as I can see. Sometimes I think that I can be, but I still won't look like that.
I just DON'T look like that. It's that simple, but I HATE that.
Every little thing pisses me off. I cannot enjoy anything.
I hate food. I hate eating.
I do it anyway, I do it till I can't eat anymore. Then I do it more.
Lately I have been so tired too, that I can't even masturbate. I just fall asleep. Then I sleep for 16, 20 hours if possible.
I even forfeit eating too. I just sleep. I feel so heavy.
Now too I can sleep, literally. It would not matter how much I have slept, I can always bring myself to sleep more.
If I bring myself past the point where I have slept and rested more than my body can handle; then I feel like a complete nut job. I feel insane.
I get up and feel like I am waking up inside a body, inside a room, and inside a world that is not mine, not me, and not anything I expect to wake up to or be in or anything.
But that's because I don't expect anything of anything...nothing.
Oh, and I just checked this in Microsoft Word; and everything is perfect spelling wise...except one word. Forfeit...forfiet.
I don't expect myself to be able to sit and type in a wordpad, and come out with completely perfect English sentences.
I'm not Mentor guy, I can't sit and close my eyes, and type in a wordpad; and get everything correct. The grammar, the spelling....the spaces, and punctuation.
I have to look at the screen; although I don't look at my hands; I can still see them in my peripheral.
I just don't trust myself. He trusts himself. Clearly he trusts himself enough to sit down and KNOW that he can do everything, and not doubt that. No disbelief in his capabilities.
Nothing that I feel. Nothing that I experience. He kicks it all aside.
It has been snowing every single day. Can you believe it? EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I have only been outside ONCE probably, sorry, TWICE in the past month, maybe two months. Oh sorry, 3 times.
The first time was to go out and get stuff from Walmart...which I postponed absolutely, until Mom said she was going, and I went with her.
Then to the restaurant with Mom and Dad.
Then to Dad's brother's place.
I wanted to cancel all three. Right up until the moment I went out, I thought of ways to flake out and just not bother.
Sleeping is better. Being in my room.
Dying inside.
I think I'm dead.
Anyway...it's snowing. What does that mean? Why does that matter?
Obviously this season is my favorite one. I love snow. I love it.
I love this weather. I love things.
But I don't really anymore.
Now I just hate it.
I can't experience it, I can't enjoy it.
It's so fucking pretty, so beautiful, so everything....so everything that I hate now.
Though I have been wanting to simply go outside, to the back yard....and dig holes in the snow. Like I did when I was a kid.
Make a fort. A fortress...and lay in it. But I don't have any of the winter clothes that I had when I was a kid, so I can't do that.
I feel sad because I won't be able to do that. I have no money, so I can't afford the boots to go buy it to play in the snow once.
It's a stupid investment anyway. I won't even get into the whole problem of me not having money; and how all of that is my own fault, as is everything anyway. That's all too obvious; so just forget it.
I asked my family to go skating. It's too cold to do it...likely. I also don't really want to upon further thought. Once again all the flakiness.
I am secretly happy that they may not. Though, I know that Mom is already feeling bad thinking that I will be mad at her if we don't go...thinking that I will use that as leverage in the future, to say that they never do anything with me...though they always tell me I need to do stuff or this and that. But, when it comes to the chase, nothing happens.
But I'm happy. HA. Happy. That we might not go. My mitts and ear covering hat will not keep me warm outside. My ears and face would get cold; then I'd be annoyed and dislike it...and wouldn't skate, because my hands would have to be on my face.
I can't skate that good anyway, so my hands cannot be on my face.
I can't find my real toque, because my room is a disaster. A mess. I have a suspicion that it may be in the bins, but I can't be bothered to pull them off my dresser and dig through them for that.
So instead, I will stay inside, and do nothing. But will think about doing things that I actually hate now.
Snow reminds me of things. I don't want to go outside. It's so pretty. It makes me even more depressed.
Then I wish I can share that with people. I want to take videos of it, and show people. I want to experience it with someone.
But I cannot. I always NEVER could. So screw it.
Leave it.
and forget it.
This year has had more snow than any other year. It's every single day. Sitting there to taunt me.
Of all the times I wanted it a lot, and badly...for Christmas...just to look at or have outside.
This year I don't. Now it's all over...of course.
I didn't bother putting out all of the christmas stuff this year. People asked my family if I did that this year; I said no.
My family said in that suprised answering tone too....to whoever asked it that no, I did not.
That's because I don't care. I just put up the tree and left the stuffed animals out. That was it.
I didn't spend 3 days doing the tree either; like I would in the past...carefully making sure everything was in place and put so correctly. It was done in a matter of hours this time.