Shooting THE Shit: Here It Is In LIFE Format, Come Get it!

Her Highness

Her Highness

Banned
Apr 10, 2010
71
2
0
In The Taj Mahal
For years I have struggled with a depression that anyone around me thinks is non-existent. Or at least, it is to them, because they do not understand it, and clearly they are not in it. They don't even know how to handle it for FUCKS sake.

Well FUCK YOU world. I give up at this point.

Anyone else ever been stuck this far down the shit pipe???:


Saturday December 18th, 2010: 3:12 PM

I have been contemplating writing in this thing for a long time now...for hours on end too, it seems.

There's too many things in my head right now. All of them probably don't matter, or should not matter, but they matter to me regardless one way or another they wormed their way into my mind and wrapped themselves around my feelings like a bow on a gift.

Where to start? I am mad.

I think my family is stupid. I don't think they are stupid in the way that they would interpret that comment should they hear it from my mouth; but rather today Mom said something along the lines of her not wanting me to want to kill myself again when they leave.

Saying it as if she believes at this time that I still do not have those thoughts. She went on to say that we all think about it sometimes.

I said well that's fine, but said I think about it daily.

She probably ignored what I said there too. This morning, for instance, I woke up and instantly felt disgusted with myself, and instantly considered again if being dead would give me the satisfaction I am seeking, or not.

I am talking about literally being able to do it and have a reasoning that trumps hurting others, or trumps anything others can argue or suggest therein.

I literally cannot stand myself. I hate me. I looked at some pictures of Avril Lavigne today, and thought that she kindof looks like my old neighbor, Jennifer....who everyone thought was drop dead gorgeous, and who everyone would comment on, with that basis.

I, of course, am not on that level, to anyone, as far as I can see. Sometimes I think that I can be, but I still won't look like that.

I just DON'T look like that. It's that simple, but I HATE that.

Every little thing pisses me off. I cannot enjoy anything.

I hate food. I hate eating.

I do it anyway, I do it till I can't eat anymore. Then I do it more.

Lately I have been so tired too, that I can't even masturbate. I just fall asleep. Then I sleep for 16, 20 hours if possible.

I even forfeit eating too. I just sleep. I feel so heavy.

Now too I can sleep, literally. It would not matter how much I have slept, I can always bring myself to sleep more.

If I bring myself past the point where I have slept and rested more than my body can handle; then I feel like a complete nut job. I feel insane.

I get up and feel like I am waking up inside a body, inside a room, and inside a world that is not mine, not me, and not anything I expect to wake up to or be in or anything.

But that's because I don't expect anything of anything...nothing.

Oh, and I just checked this in Microsoft Word; and everything is perfect spelling wise...except one word. Forfeit...forfiet.

I don't expect myself to be able to sit and type in a wordpad, and come out with completely perfect English sentences.

I'm not Mentor guy, I can't sit and close my eyes, and type in a wordpad; and get everything correct. The grammar, the spelling....the spaces, and punctuation.

I have to look at the screen; although I don't look at my hands; I can still see them in my peripheral.

I just don't trust myself. He trusts himself. Clearly he trusts himself enough to sit down and KNOW that he can do everything, and not doubt that. No disbelief in his capabilities.

Nothing that I feel. Nothing that I experience. He kicks it all aside.

It has been snowing every single day. Can you believe it? EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I have only been outside ONCE probably, sorry, TWICE in the past month, maybe two months. Oh sorry, 3 times.

The first time was to go out and get stuff from Walmart...which I postponed absolutely, until Mom said she was going, and I went with her.

Then to the restaurant with Mom and Dad.

Then to Dad's brother's place.

I wanted to cancel all three. Right up until the moment I went out, I thought of ways to flake out and just not bother.

Sleeping is better. Being in my room.

Dying inside.

I think I'm dead.

Anyway...it's snowing. What does that mean? Why does that matter?

Obviously this season is my favorite one. I love snow. I love it.

I love this weather. I love things.

But I don't really anymore.

Now I just hate it.

I can't experience it, I can't enjoy it.

It's so fucking pretty, so beautiful, so everything....so everything that I hate now.

Though I have been wanting to simply go outside, to the back yard....and dig holes in the snow. Like I did when I was a kid.

Make a fort. A fortress...and lay in it. But I don't have any of the winter clothes that I had when I was a kid, so I can't do that.

I feel sad because I won't be able to do that. I have no money, so I can't afford the boots to go buy it to play in the snow once.

It's a stupid investment anyway. I won't even get into the whole problem of me not having money; and how all of that is my own fault, as is everything anyway. That's all too obvious; so just forget it.

I asked my family to go skating. It's too cold to do it...likely. I also don't really want to upon further thought. Once again all the flakiness.

I am secretly happy that they may not. Though, I know that Mom is already feeling bad thinking that I will be mad at her if we don't go...thinking that I will use that as leverage in the future, to say that they never do anything with me...though they always tell me I need to do stuff or this and that. But, when it comes to the chase, nothing happens.


But I'm happy. HA. Happy. That we might not go. My mitts and ear covering hat will not keep me warm outside. My ears and face would get cold; then I'd be annoyed and dislike it...and wouldn't skate, because my hands would have to be on my face.

I can't skate that good anyway, so my hands cannot be on my face.

I can't find my real toque, because my room is a disaster. A mess. I have a suspicion that it may be in the bins, but I can't be bothered to pull them off my dresser and dig through them for that.

So instead, I will stay inside, and do nothing. But will think about doing things that I actually hate now.

Snow reminds me of things. I don't want to go outside. It's so pretty. It makes me even more depressed.

Then I wish I can share that with people. I want to take videos of it, and show people. I want to experience it with someone.

But I cannot. I always NEVER could. So screw it.

Leave it.

and forget it.

This year has had more snow than any other year. It's every single day. Sitting there to taunt me.

Of all the times I wanted it a lot, and badly...for Christmas...just to look at or have outside.

This year I don't. Now it's all over...of course.

I didn't bother putting out all of the christmas stuff this year. People asked my family if I did that this year; I said no.

My family said in that suprised answering tone too....to whoever asked it that no, I did not.

That's because I don't care. I just put up the tree and left the stuffed animals out. That was it.

I didn't spend 3 days doing the tree either; like I would in the past...carefully making sure everything was in place and put so correctly. It was done in a matter of hours this time.
 


Mom is also feeling guilty about getting me gifts and stuff. She thinks I will be all depressed this Christmas and for some reason feels entitled to get me stuff, although we already said we are not having Christmas as we are going on vacation.

But I know that she feels otherwise, and has been buying me all this stuff. I can see it. But I am not stopping her from doing it.

She doesn't even though that I know what I know. Some may say this is manipulation, perhaps…on my part; as I know what I know, but am still allowing her to carry on.

What do I know?

I know that I don't give a shit about Christmas or it's gifts. I stopped wanting that a long time ago. Years ago now.

Technically, I shouldn't be getting them either. I'm not a Christian, and don't follow that stuff anymore...so really it does not bother me if I do not get them.

Even if others are getting them.

YES, it is nice to get gifts. But not in these circumstances...where people feel as though it's mandatory to do it, and get pissed off in the process buying it and other things.

Guilt should not be a reason to present a gift. I know that is pretty much the ONLY reason she is doing it.

She could tell me she cares, fine. That shows anyway; but the guilt is the driving factor here.

I think she may also feel sorry for me, after I told her what I did about what sounds like myself feeling sorry for myself and wanting to die.

Giving me gifts will not show me a reason to want to change my mind there. It probably just gives me an even better reason to confirm what I think about myself anyway.

I did not tell them this for them to feel sorry for me; but I know that at this time they do.

Not only this, but they think now that I am past it or that I was only thinking that before.

Whereas, I am thinking it all the time still anyway.

The other day I was watching porn. I decided this time I won't watch anime, but rather would watch real.

I find that depressing too. After mindlessly NOT watching it for the reason most would...I sat there looking for videos of women with nice bodies....bodies that would be considered nice on accordance with a guy's standard.

Not thin bodies...but curvy bodies. Fit and toned bodies; and more natural looking, with the nice faces etc...

Weird that I can identify what a guy would look for in that, but I can identify after speaking to so many men along those terms now.

Well, I don't look like those women. Obviously.

So I just disregarded those, and ignored it. Then I found some other video, called "schlub screws supermodel".

Something along those lines.

The video was this really disgusting and ugly looking man, who was clearly out of shape. He was probably in his early 40's...dark hair, hairy everywhere, even on his shoulders. Patchy hair though, obviously he didn't believe in trimming or shaving, or waxing or anything....

Balding, the (what I call) pedo go-tee, very fat stomach, chubby legs, arms etc.... double-triple chin.

The guy just looked nasty.

Then there was the girl. Her face wasn't that impressive, but was do-able on a guys' standard. But her body was very toned, rounded and curvy...long wavy black hair, with some bangs.

Decent chest size, perky etc... tanned, shiny skin....belly button piercing...

Round rear, from pretty much all angles.

She was also doing some decent to advanced sex positions...mostly while the guy did nothing, and he would glance at the camera a lot.

The guy was just filthy looking. But he was screwing a bar-star looking female.

I felt really bad just watching it. I imagine some guy abusing a girl like that; and that guy thinking she is really sexy. I imagine him just wanting to have every part of her, because he finds her utterly attractive. I imagine him wanting to screw her very badly, and roughly, because he won't be able to control his desire.

I imagine the woman of course being very curvy, luscious, seductive, confident, and sexy (able to do the positions and very good sexual acts...).

Then I climax to that.

I assume I did during that video; not watching it, but just taking the idea of some unworthy guy doing a girl beyond his reach.

This of course made me feel utterly disgusted after finishing, I closed the windows on the computer; without finishing that video whatsoever, and closed the screen down too.

I just rolled over and wanted to sleep....after making that disturbing realization again, that the man in the video was somewhat similar to that palestinian.

Just utterly disgusting. Yet I had gone back to do god knows what. Very nasty.

That makes me utterly disgusting as a human being.

I try to ignore that. So I did close everything, and did get to sleep as fast as possible...and sleep is what I can do.

If nothing else, I sleep very well. I have to. It is the only thing that saves me from this.

I don't have to worry about being me when I am asleep. I don't have to worry about the world, or what is going on with anyone or anything.

I can just sleep. And have vivid dreams. Dreams that make no sense, because I am out of my mind; and they are not directing me. They are just helping me out of the misery.

That is what I want. They say that sleep is as close to death as one can come, in terms of experiencing Death as it would be once you are already dead.

We all sleep.

I told my family, that someone who cared about their life...and someone who was serious about being alive....someone who just cared at all....would take care of their room.

They'd throw out the trash, organize things, do whatever is necessary...right?

Like DUH. That would just make sense. But I do NOT do any of that, whatsoever. I don't give a shit.

I said that, THAT alone should be enough evidence that I am not mentally OK...and that something is wrong etc...

That alone should tell someone, or anyone, that I probably don't really want to be alive...or that I probably don't really care about anything really...and that I am probably utterly depressed.

Mentor guy made fun of me for that. Acts as though it's so easy to do....or tried to compare himself to me by suggesting that his mother would have an OCD freakout if she even saw a shirt lying around in her house.

That she obsessively dusts things, cleans things, and needs everything to be a certain way order wise; and clean etc...

He'd ask me how hard it is to clean my room, or keep it clean...and would say that there's trash beside me that I lay in it, or sleep in it.

Who knows, he said a lot...a lot of the time.

It just tells me that he really does not understand it, nor can he ever, from what I can see.

He will refuse to understand something like that.

I admit I am disgusted with it. I understand where he is coming from; after all, outside of MYSELF, I am that way with others and other people's things.

I can respect and understand the views and lifestyles of other people. I can understand what other people care about, and what matters to them...and how they choose to uphold that.

Mentor guy was confused...because I showed him some of the table settings I do. My family is impressed by them too...and will often tell me not to bother doing that for a meal, or for them...or at all...and will say it's not 'gourmet'...etc...

But those are the standards. I know what they really like in the end...they just dislike it, because it's a lot of work...which they themselves would not do on that basis of how much work it is to take out the fancy place settings and set it all up.

I cleaned her house a little thing each day, I do. I know how she wants it done. I know all that stuff. So I've been doing it, she asked me to.

I have to anyway, as that's what I have to do to get the $1000 they offered me; which I still have to pay back in cash as well.

I have to take that money, as they would not let me go without anything at all. I don't want to go at all. I told them that a long time ago.

But she thinks that since I paid to go, that I wanted to go. I didn't want to go; I clearly said to her that I did not want the stress or the problems associated with getting money for a trip; and that I cannot afford it.

But they wanted me to come. They would feel guilty if I did not etc etc etc.

So I am doing that for her. But with my ex too...when I'd see him, I'd go and clean his stuff. His place was disgusting, a mess....

I can't stand that from other people. Funny, since my own room is...well...probably beyond what anyone else can do or live in.

But that's how I am. Not something anyone gets. It pisses people off. It confuses them. They can't stand that.

Am I going to do something about it? No.

This is the real me. I guess. My room, my attitude, my carelessness...

*I just don't CARE. If I cared about myself, or me, or anything like that...I'd be doing what I do for others that they want for themselves....for me.

What they want, isn't what I want. Sleeping is the closest thing to what I want.

Everyone thinks I am someone else, and sugar coats me. They think my problems rest in money, or getting a job....

They think that other things will help me. But, I can refute them...then they say well they don't know what to say or do with me then.

Mentor guy has even had tons of moments, where I have literally forced him to give up, and to utter those words....that he literally doesn't know what to say, or do with me.

A truth he has tried hard to fight, or cover, or ignore, or argue.

The truth with him is never the truth anyway; so why expect anything else.
 
The closer to the truth that he comes; or a person comes with him....the more lies and deception that follow from his part.

He'll even make the other person lie, or will force the other person to twist the story or the truth, or anything else in his favor.

For his sane mind. But it must be nice to know what you want so badly, that you'll do anything to get there...even distorting the truth.

Better yet...it must be nice to want it that badly, that you'll actually do something about it.

Yesterday my back started hurting when I got up to do dishes. I think it was hurting because 90% of my time is spent laying down.

Even now I had to lay down again on my side as I type this. I had my legs crossed, sitting up, but they began to hurt and go numb. Now I am laying they are hurting as the blood flow comes back.

I literally can't even stand up anymore. I had to go lay down before I could do the dishes, so my back would cease to hurt.

I told my family, that I think it hurts because I am so used to laying down now....not to standing up.

I should be taking a shower.

I put my towel there to go do it. I thought I would do that, and style my hair, to make myself feel better. Try to curl it.

Something to look nice.

But I really don't care.

So guess where I am instead? Of course on my bed!

Contemplating sleeping. Wondering if my family will complain about my towel being in the bathroom on the rack, and not hung up elsewhere.

That's the only thing that will disturb me, otherwise I can go to sleep or lay here as I am already doing anyway.

I just hate me.

People are claiming that I have all these talents and things I don't use.

HAHA.

I say HAHA to that. HAHA.

I DO NOT see what anyone else sees, except for what we call the 'negative'. There I can concur that people are absolutely correct about me then...or at least are likely more close to being correct about me than they ever would with anything else.

I went into my old accounts recently, as I have been going around deleting stuff from them.

I deleted all of my Facebook accounts. I don't need them. I don't need the problem of Mentor guy saying I talked to people, or to Arabs or god knows what.

I don't need Facebook anyway, anyway.

Screw it, and screw life...and screw everything.

I managed to get into one account, and saw there were tons of people trying to add me or sending me emails to add them.

Lots of them in one account were people I HAD spoken to before. I am surprised they are still trying to talk to me.

One of them, I think was married. So I am wondering why they would be trying to contact me, as that is utterly TABOO...as my impression of them was that they were strictly following Islam.

Well I removed all of the notifications...but even if they are not on my contact list, these things still come.

They still come.

Regardless.

I went into some other ID's too, Ahmad was in one of them.

He was online. He said hey or something dumb like that.

I spoke to him on sombre terms. He was wondering whether or not I still thought he was a bad person.

I don't even recall telling him that, but if I had, it was likely just because I was upset or mad, and wanted to create an argument to get him to go away.

Had to create a reason to never speak to him again.

He said that people he is nice to always leave him when they are finished with him. Sort of suggesting they use him for their time, when they need it...and after just go.

I told him that I left him completely as a friend, because Mentor guy was saying that I am obsessed with Arabs, and that I want arabs etc...

Also using Ahmad as a leverage; Mentor guy would tell me to meet Ahmed and marry him or pay for him to come to Canada etc etc etc...

That got to me every single time he said it, so finally I got rid of all arab related things.

But Mentor guy would still find some way to suggest it's still there, or some other excuse or reason to taunt me like that.

I got sick and tired of it. That ate me at the core. It still does. It pisses me right off.

I don't think that I deserved to be Taunted like that; in that area.

He thinks I did...he of course being Mentor guy.

I told Ahmed too that I did not think our conversations together had any quality, and had recently raised my standards for that.

I said also, I am not a muslim, and I know that bothers him...so he'll always be on my case about it.

Finally we got off that, maybe he understood. Nothing I said to him was nice in the regard of why I cut him off completely... but it's a fact.

Didn't need him hanging on to something that's not what I want it to be. I can't sit there daily talking about singers and new music....or islam...and not really much else.

Then I brought the conversation into darkness, and presented things he could not address or discuss on a deep level.

Things he would not dare get into anyway, if he did he'd end up so depressed probably.

Then he said that I have good points and thoughts, and basically said that I have all these talents and abilities.

I don't see that. Even if I did, it was beyond his head.

I didn't exactly want to talk to him; because he will want to do that again, and then Mentor guy would say that I am once again talking to arabs or doing all of these things or god knows what.

But that has nothing to do with anything that he thinks it does anyway.

But he'd feel offended regardless, and would insult me for even talking to anyone who is a guy...especially if they are arabic.

I said bye to Ahmad. He wished me a good life. I guess he knows that I probably won't come back.

That's a rude way to treat him. He didn't do anything wrong to me. he never acted like the typical arabs I described to Mentor guy. He also never asked me to do anything sexual...nor did we ever discuss anything like that...nor did I get that way with him.

He was there when I was in the USA, and was crying sitting alone in a hotel room...thinking of how much I hate myself.

He sat there just saying the same stupid stuff positive people say..minor reassurances, that work for them...foolishly thinking it would work for me too.

But I think he meant well. His English is not that good, he claims I helped him improve it.

I think that only happened because he actually took a course on English for a change.

But still the point is that he didn't do anything to me, but just because he was Arab, I had to do wrong to him...because just speaking to an Arab means that I am still Islamic, want one, or am back in my past...etc etc etc...

Ahmed said he was sad to see that Mentor guy had made me racist. It's not anyone's fault, I told him, but my own.

I said it's ME who chose the past that I did, with those things that I did...so now I have to do to him and others what I have to do now to strip that away...hopefully.

I do feel resentful and hateful, and upset toward anyone who I speak to who turns out to be arabic or even close to that.

When I found out that other PUA guy was in fact persian, I just lost all respect pretty much or anything for that person. Not that I really respected them, it's more so of upholding a decency with that person on the basis of them still being a human, and still having feelings...etc....

Just trying to be decent to them, well I lost that regard for them when they said that. Then it was utterly easy to dispose of them and block them completely. I do not look back upon that, no regret either...as I don't need any more of anyone thinking I am involved in that.

The pain that I have to experience in the present and not even occurring future...on the basis of my past is staggering.

My family said the other day that they thought I was near a genius, if not a genius.

That of course does not represent any of my actions in terms of things like my room, sleeping all the time etc etc etc....but apparently they think I have capabilities that are beyond what I guess normal folks would have.
 
The only way I see that, is that I am 'soo smart'...that I am here where I am now. Here convincing myself of exactly how worthless I really am.

I am tired again. My eyes always feel tired. I can breathe and it feels heavy. So heavy.

I read recently about children and eldery sorts eating cell bateries. Apparently certain types of these batteries can cause major damage.

A kid ate one, and although doctors were able to successfully remove it...upon removing it, the battery set off charges which burnt through their esophagus, and the kid bled out internally and died.

A risk, I guess which most people probably don't know about, and apparently it kills more than other things in terms of kids eating things they shouldn't...or accidents of people inhaling or swallowing things etc...

I thought then, that I could eat a bunch of them, and just let them sit inside my stomach. The lithium ion things, and have them eat me out from the inside out, and make my stomach bleed right out, and I could die.

I thought that it would be excruciating and painful, but it would end me.

I went upstairs later, and I was sitting upstairs on the couch. Mom was across from me a ways.

Beside me, of course, was this ugly candle thing...candle holder. Inside was a fake candle....and inside that...what else, but one of those batteries, which I know was inside.

I told Mom about the batteries and how they do that. She said she didn't know that. I said most people don't know that.

Then she said well we better make sure the dog doesn't get ahold of anything like that then.

I didn't tell her that I considered doing that to myself...of course.

Her main concern was whether or not the dog would eat it.

That would not happen to the dog. I look upon my family as though they are simple.

That's pretty bad sounding. Makes me sound discriminatory, or judgmental.

But really...they are far more simple.

I tell her something like that, she thinks that perhaps the dog would eat it.

Even after telling her my own thoughts that night of how I don't want to be alive...she couldn't piece anything together there.

She couldn't think, 'why is she telling me this?'.

Really why was I?

I don't even really know...but it's still kind of obvious.

It was small talk. I come upstairs now and tell them little things I read, facts I know they won't know.

I wasn't even looking for that article either. I was just reading article through article....clicking on the links beside articles near the sides...reading those articles...then that one came up read it too.

The other day I was angry too...this was before anything above...and wanted to smash my computer against a wall and break it.

Today I thought about not taking it with me at all on the trip. Then I thought about my family getting mad at me for NOT taking it on the trip.

When we are on trips they sit there talking about how I can use the computer to find stuff for them, or book our seats on the way home.

Today I made sure that the seats are booked entirely, I spent 1 hour and 30 minutes doing that for them...so that it's done.

I thought they are so used to me bringing it, they will probably be mad if I don't.

But then I thought I don't really need it...but what will I do when I am back in the condo. I won't have any music or anything else...

So I'll probably bring it anyway. Though I hate bringing it on the carry on, because it weighs a lot, and I always have to take it out for the scanner people...

but the only way for me to bring it is uptop...so it doesn't break.

I am protecting something I resent. But then again, I resent everything at this point and time but don't bother with anything either.

If not the computer...maybe the TV....maybe something else.

It's all the same.

Even as I sit here and write this, I think of how much of a failure I am. This reminds me.

I keep on checking how many words this is, and then am reminded that I did not finish those two books...actually three (one I never even started).

How much of a failure I am.

And that dumb voice says that I could be sitting here writing those books, finishing them. It's been nearly 2 hours here writing this....and it's at least 3000 words, a lot more now, and those could have been in the book instead.

But could is not WOULD. If I would write it, it would already be done.

I do not believe I can.

I once thought I could. I do not think that anymore.

But this has been building and building daily. I wanted to ...haha...no...actually I THOUGHT about writing a diary again, as each thing bothered me and came to me in a deep hatred of all things that are me...

But couldn't be bothered.

I sat here now as I have nothing else to do. I have out...outed everything.

I grow tired of me. Soon, I will probably sleep...getting to that stage again.

I sent an angry letter to a recruitment company...because they didn't help me get a job.

I put my hope in them. I thought I needed it, and I was really trying.

Everyone said I was not, argued with me. I am not the best human being, but for me, I was doing a good job.

It was the interviews I struggled with...I asked for help with that...didn't really get it from anyone else either.

No one can help where it really counts...and if I ACTUALLY ask for it...well there's no one.

They all are willing to sit around judging me though, and offering their pathetic solutions when they sure feel like it though...addressing things that they think are wrong, or trying to supposedly help in things they have no fucking clue about.

I used to think that Mentor guy only bothers with me, because he's so damn confused with himself. Most of the time when I help people...I do it because I think that if my help will stick with them, that it will stick with me too then.

That if it works for them, It can for me too now.

Well it never worked really for others either.

I think Mentor guy is the same way. He would NEVER agree. He would NEVER admit it...or believe it.

But I believe that with me, he tried so hard, because he is himself struggling. He thought that maybe if he could fix me in all those things he thought were wrong with me....that he could fix himself too...that it could work and be fine for him.

That he could get out of the ruts he is in.

That's why he always pushed the money thing with me.

That's his #1 concern. His #1 problem...without it he can't do most of his dreams. Without it he is a nobody.

According to him, without it, I am a nobody too. I won't get anything out of life, I won't have anything, I'll just be average, I won't be able to get anything I need when I need it..etc...etc...etc..

"It will solve all of my problems".

NO. Mentor guy. It will just solve YOUR problem.

My getting money, my working, my doing any of the things he suggested was just testing things that he wanted for himself. Testing ways to get what he wanted...

I was a reassurance for him, if I could do it....it was reassurance for him.

But I didn't do it. So no reassurance. Nothing.

That must have pissed him off beyond belief.

BUT for the jobs this time, I did try. When you really do something...that's when people say you aren't doing it.

That's what I find.

If I am honest....they'll say I'm not. If I am trying...they'll say I am not.

Funny, if I am NOT doing something that's when they say I am doing it.

See, when I am sitting here now sleeping away my days...that's when Mentor guy comes and says I am wasting my potential, and have many gifts I am not using...etc...

That's when Ahmed says that I have all these things...

That's when my family says they think I am a genuis.

But where is anyone really, when I am actually doing things?

I started TWO books. Started.

Mentor guy says I never try...I never even start...

Well I did...twice.

His comments were that I wasn't doing it, he tore them both down...the first cheating one by saying I need to go another direction, and that I am not writing on what people want etc etc etc...

Then with his, he said I can do that in 15 days...

Well when I was writing daily showing...suddenly he wanted more more more....and it had to be done NOW.

Then it was not done now, so he took it away completely.

Said I didn't want to...although I had clearly started it.

I wrote for others too.

He insulted that.

I gave out free articles too.

He also insulted that...he also suggested that I didn't do that for him, thus saying he is jealous or feels hurt who knows.

I got a job.

OO...he insulted that too.

My family also threw that in my face too...then wanted to decide for me what I can or cannot do.

Who knows.
 
But it seems that when I am truly trying, that's when I am...according to the planet, am not...and that's when I am...according to the planet am my worst.

So I fucking give up.

I am NOT trying anymore. The world is right now.

I hope they feel happy to be right.

Anyway, I wrote that angry letter to that employer...who just dumped me to the side, after raising my hopes...

and left me with what I realized is some sort of Dear John letter...saying I am not qualified enough or something for their positions.

They don't have anything for me...they say.

So on the surface, just like everyone else...she sat there on the phone telling me how amazing she thought I was, how great my resume is, how she can get better for me than I ever imagined with a salary and temp positions even...all kinds of things she said.

None of that was delivered....because in the end, she decided that when I said yes to that (although at first I was hesitant...but she persuaded me to agree), and pursued her to help me there as she said she would...well...then suddenly I am not qualified, I am not worthy....and god knows what else.

Just like everything else described above of course.

So I sent a letter back to her...and her entire company. I got the emails of them all right up to the top dog.

It is as follows:
---------------------------------------------
Hello Micaela,

I am not sure what has happened or is happening in the regard of Laurie Brooks, as I have sent you a reply back, and you have not commented since. I have to presume that Miss Laurie was not truly intending on contacting me; as I cannot see any real efforts being made to do such. If someone wants to get a hold of another person, they will make sure they do. In this case, Laurie does not, as she is not making sure she does.

But why should she want to? After all, the way you describe me is absolutely fantastic in the previous email! (My sarcasm is intended directly at you, by the way...just in case you wanted to misinterpret that, just as you did my entire resume, capabilities, and possibilities in general!)

You asked me if I would be interested in temp jobs, and I finally said yes. Nothing has been offered or come my way since then, from your company (if you want to call it a company).

Also, when I spoke with you on the phone, and you asked me what my salary expectations where, I laid out some things for you. Your comment to me was that you could "do better than that!"; and along those lines you gave me the impression that you could get a higher salary for me. Those were your words, not mine. You did not suggest, at that time, that I should lower anything, and this is why I find the following statement to be strange:

" You may have to lower your salary expectations to find that right marketing job, though."

You were so confident that you could get me better, yet your most recent email to me downsizes me entirely. You suggest that I need a lower (low) salary now, and also state that I basically don't match up with anything, as you feel my experience is 'limited'...thus I am not qualified for literally any positions you're offering.

I guess your letter is more of a dear John letter, as at the end you state the following:

" I do wish you luck in your own job search, as well."

Lately I have been starting to think that employers; and recruiting companies; are not professional; and expect things from applicants which they THEMSELVES cannot deliver.

You have once again proven me correct in this area. I should therefore believe at this point and time that your firm cannot offer me what I am looking for, on that very basis.

Oh, and thank you for complimenting my resume. That will work well for me in the future, as I understand it I am above what your company can offer, and I am moving on to a better future, which you clearly cannot offer. I am very proud to receive the honor of knowing that I am above your company, as I would not want to be classified as someone who simply takes what they can get, even if it's a mindless job at Mc Donald's; and someone lets others choose and decide for them what their fate should be.

After all, I most definitely am NOT one of those people; as I refuse to let others stand by and decide for me what it is that I am capable of doing; and to therefore decide for me what the quality of my life should be. You did not even, for a second, have the courtesy to consider that I may be able to deliver something beyond what a simple first impression or personal expectation may be. Thus, you clearly do not believe in me; and I therefore do not believe in anything from your company at this time.

I will be sure, as well, to tell others about the services you do not offer, and would not recommend you in the future to anyone else who may need or require employment, as the employment opportunities with your company are minimal; and the verbal implications of hope, and the suggestive promises are entirely for looks.

I'd also like to offer my impression now of your company, and your portfolio; in one word to make it simple: DISAPPOINTING.

Thankyou, once again for that lovely display of everything that a sane and logical human being should want to avoid;
Her Highness
---------------------------------------------
(/end email)
I hurt right now. I was really thinking that perhaps that would be my saving grace...when she contacted me and said all the things she said.

I really thought that they were genuinely going to do what they said, and that they were going to help me because they were interested etc...

I really needed it...I thought that I was finally getting a break...as it is a lot harder for me to get a 'job'...than others...though no one believes it.

It's pretty true when one looks at the results.

But I was wrong about her and the company. I'm just a nobody to everyone.

It's like they think it's fun to toy around with me. Raise up my hopes...say oh but you are nice, you are intelligent, you can do things...

but they don't mean it.

If Mentor guy really meant it, he wouldn't sit here insulting everything I have ever tried to do for myself...however small that seems at first.

If my family thought it, they wouldn't insult everything I try to do for me either, however small that seems to them too.

People wouldn't tell me that I should just get anything I can now, even if it's the worst job in the city....because according to them then at least I have some cash.

That's what matters?

If I can give them money?

Like I said to her recently...when she asked me what I would do if THEY died...because I had her on that subject....I said I'd get my own apartment.

Clearly they have a house. It's been suggested it would go to me.

Well...I'd get my OWN apartment.

That should say enough.

The other day I cooked an entire dinner for Mom's brother and mom and us...by entire, I mean my 'gourmet' meals, with the table settings and desert..everything.

They of course talked about Colin and his death, and all the power of attourney things going on now.

Well I was tired after doing the dishes they kept up that convo...I'm not really a part of that, so I went downstairs.

I came up after to re-stuff my face to oblivion again, and overheard them talking about will stuff again, and who is getting what.

Mom’s Brother was talking about how he's only got one kid so now that kid might get everything...type thing for his will.

Then Mom got on the subject of that, and no idea what was said to get to this area...of me or something along those regards...of houses and more expensive things being willed and who gets them

Well Mom’s Brother said that if they gave me the house that he'd fight me for it.

?

LOL.

I overheard it and walked past.

I was like what the hell?

Then I just thought well YOU can have the fucking house then.

I don't want to fight anyone for anything. The guy has never really liked me anyway...if that's what YOU want, take it.

I'll still go get my apartment.

As I said before this conversation even occurred to Mom anyway. BEFORE Mom’s Brother even came over to discuss that crap with them.

But I just thought really...like really.

So now if they will me stuff, I likely will not accept it...as I likely will have her brother or other people resenting me or wanting it or god knows what.

So let people have stuff.

It's not mine anyway. I don't feel entitled to anything...except death.

To be honest, I don't think they owe me anything...or the world even.

I just think the only thing that is owed to me is death.

My own death.

I wrote an email to myself, saying Goodbye to Mentor guy.

I have it set so that it appears unread in my inbox. When I log in....it will say I have one message....if any of those subscribed emails come up, I quickly move them, so that I still only have one message there that's unread.

Inbox (1).

But today my heart has been jumping logging in seeing it.

I guess I expect or hope or wish or something that it'd be a message that's not from me...but maybe someone else.

But no one is going to email me. I literally at this time, know no one.

I will literally always have an empty inbox, except for subscribed emails...which I didn't even subscribe myself to.
 
Mentor guy asked me once if I was glad that he signed me up to them. I said yes.

I understand their value...but literally find those emails to be annoying. Not receiving them...but rather I have to read through a bunch of fluff to get the tips...that's damn annoying.

As a consumer, I would not want to buy anyone's products if their emails were formed in that fashion...it's like a wild goose chase through bullshit to get the actual golden egg.

So I don't even bother reading them. Once in a while I'll find a title catchy...and will open it to see, but it's still always the same crap inside.

So no...I do not really like those emails. I was happy that he signed me up, so I could collect them and use them like he does for his books and stuff....when you need a huge collection of content...instead of having to search for it, it's all right there.

But I do not find that stuff to be golden or anything.

It's got the value of Yahoo! articles...which if a person were to review, they would see the comments on them criticizing the article writers for being retarded and talking about useless bullshit.

We are in a day of information where useless bullshit rules. I mean I spent my time reading about batteries...and people eating them and dying....all of that starting from some other useless article.

One useless article links to another. LOL

The stuff I put up on EzineArticles...Mentor guy criticized.

Long articles, articles offering a lot of information.

That threat I had on warriorforum telling all kinds of stuff from marketing whatnot...

He criticized it all. He was right to criticize putting that info on warrior forum...but what he mostly concentrated on was how LONG it was.

It was Ebook ready pretty much.


Likewise with my articles at times...those 33 tips ones...I had plans for 50 tip ones...because I wanted to present something of VALUE.

I even skipped an intro at times...and want to consider it still....so that when the person gets on the article...they get just straight tips....


No one really cares about the damn intro anyway. When I read an article, I skip that shit and get to point 1...point 2...point 3 headers.

If it's something I don't already know, then of course I will read the information under the headers....but generally it's not.

People aren't that dumb either, they can get stuff. If they don't you can always offer that extra bit more off fluff for explanation...


but there's already so much damn fluff anyway...even in my own stuff.

my own articles....written to the tune that Mentor guy said should be done.

People don't want words...they want MEANING. They want ANSWERS....they want solutions.

David D's stuff is a lot of words. Just bla bla bla.

Even watching his programs that Mentor guy wanted me to...there was a lot of BLA BLA BLA. BLA and more BLA.

Like man...

How do people listen to that.

Then after Mentor guy asked me what I thought, I just told him that this guy is so frigid...like I said more than this, but mostly that's what I see from that guy.

I imagine Eben Pagan to be really bland in real life. I think that he teamed up with Frank Kern to appear to be more fun and outgoing...more spontaneous.

I think he did that, because people comment on how boring he seems to be. Yeh he's all professional...but that's about it.

No one wants to be simply that, but the poor guy is...and I think he realized it...so now he sits around, instead of working...he is trying to change his image for others...to appear to be more chillax.

He's making videos of his apartment...himself at seminars, and on vacation etc...

Himself playing around with so called friends.

All to appear to be normal and like everyone else.

He never bothered doing this before...it's all marketing now...a marketing ploy to get back on top of his game, because people are seeing through that as him just being another average and boring guy.

Which means he has nothing to offer. So now he has to appear to be living above that general standard.

Poor guy.

There's just no way he is making those videos and putting them out on marketing pages, and putting them out to marketers to view....and is not intending that as the above...and does not view himself as the above.

He wouldn't bother doing it otherwise, because otherwise it wouldn't matter.

But he has to...because once again, he's not good enough for the planet just as he is...and like me, that got to him.


meh. Whatever.

6:19PM
He told me, just before he left… that I am like glass, I break when dropped.

With that knowledge, he has dropped me more than anyone else.
 
You wanted a book INDIA. There's your book!

I doubt there is another person here or anywhere who can relate or cares even.

All your problems on this forum consist of electronic dance albums, smoking weed, and laughing at other people for not being EXACTLY like you.

No one will be like you in the end anyway; because you're not me.
 
Hey fuckhead, you are not the only person in the world with problems! You sure act like it! Pull yourself together

LIFE-GETTING-TOUGH-MEANS-GOD-IS-AFRAID-OF-YOUR-PROGRESS.jpg
 
Butthurt little bitch's support group is not meeting her/his/it's expectations, so suicide is contemplated, etc, etc.

Emo bullshit trolling, ad nauseum.

troll-poster.jpg
 
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